How Did I Get Here, And Where Is The Next Turn?

Greetings and salutations to all who deem this worthy of your time...

Brought up Jun 14, 2015

Recruits and Converts...

One of the things that has always bugged me is the arrogance of the newly converted, be it religious, health and exercise, job promotion, etc.

You know what I mean.

One of your co workers is suddenly given a promotion, and they walk around with this sudden, 'better than thou' attitude.

Someone finds religion, around here it's called 'getting saved,' and suddenly every other person on the planet that does not go to their church, any other denomination or faith, is going straight to hell.

Someone joins a gym, quits smoking, looses a massive amount of weight, or gets a diagnosis that makes them have to change their life style, and suddenly they are an authority on the subject.

Worse, they just have to point out all your short comings on the matter.

I try my damnedest to build people up, not tear them down.

I know what it feels like to have my faults pointed out to me, as if I don't see them already. As if they don't trot themselves out at the worst possible moments and do the hula for the whole world to see.

It's not like I can actually hide them.

I am overweight, massively so. I do not need hints to this diet or that 'miracle' pill, surgery, or what ever.

The weight I lost, I did it with hard work and a lot of not eating the things I like, or not as much.

I've gained a bit back simply because I eat my feelings...

And I have a lot to feel these days.

My emotions have been all over the place since a week ago this past Friday when I got a registered letter about my recent tests.

This coming Thursday, I have to have follow up 'diagnostic' done. I figured it would be a repeat of last year's drama that turned out to just need a different angle to determine it was only a denser bit of tissue on the right side...

I was told this is different, and on the left side.

I need this shit like another hole in my head.

Add to that the fact that I have to deal alone, and it's a wonder I am not drunk, high, or standing on a ledge somewhere.

The last damned thing I need is one more thing piled on my back.

For the love of my grandson, I smoked my last cigarette last night.

It's nothing noble or anything. Was just informed that maybe cigarette smoke residue on my clothes could be causing his rashes.

I hope other smokers around him are being told that as well.

So, I have one less crutch, one less comfort.

And a massive headache from all the crying.

The idea that I might have harmed that little guy in any way is ripping me apart.

That child is the light of my life.

I feel lower than dirt, but I almost always feel like the scum of the earth anyway.

I don't need that pointed out to me...

I can beat myself up just fine all by myself...

So I woke today, dressed, brushed my hair, and went to get breakfast, feeling pretty raw.

And the lady in front of me paid for my order.

I burst into tears at the window when I was told.

The nerve of some people, huh?

Here I am, beginning to think that the world just sucks all over the place, and a stranger shows me an unexpected kindness.

I still feel pretty raw. I am scared.

And now I have lost one of my only two days off. Gotta work tomorrow because the girl that does my job on my only days off can't work.

Great, just great.

That means all I would do tomorrow will either be done today, or later than planned.

Yeah, I'm just a big ol' whiny baby.

Another fault I do not need pointed out to me, thank you very much.

Comments (4)

+ Add a Comment

Wee woman » 3 years ago

Some people make rude comments about your weight because..1. They want to hide their flaws by drawing attention to you. 2. They ain't happy so Noone else should be. 3. Their momma didn't smack them enough for being rude.

when I first lost my hair I was embarrassed until I realized

it's just hair. When I lost my breast I just took a deep breath and went for it. If people stare I just smile give me the finger and walk on by....

a fan » 3 years ago

You are a great mother and an even better grandmother!

vicki » 3 years ago

on the bright side of things I will be at work

Anonymous » 3 years ago

q6e