How Did I Get Here, And Where Is The Next Turn?

Greetings and salutations to all who deem this worthy of your time...

Brought up Apr 26, 2015

Beginnings and Endings

This past week has opened my eyes a bit more to the world outside the tiny bit my mind dances about.

My glorious boy brat has embarked on the next leg of adulthood, manhood and fatherhood. This week, for the first time ever in his life, he drove a rental car a few hundred miles to another state for orientation in a new job. It is the first time he has not had someone putting in a good word, pulling strings or what ever. He did this 99% all on his own.

I am so proud of him.

I am proud of the man he has become, and the father and helpmate he is.

I just pray that he remembers one thing.

Time is the one thing one can not get back, buy, or trade. It is the one thing he wanted from his own father, and the one thing he rarely if ever got.

A roof over their heads, food in their belly, material 'wants' are wonderful. Necessities met are a must.

Still, none of that matters much if the father is not there for those ball games, birthdays, those firsts in a child's life.

I pray my son remembers that feeling of his father not being there, and makes the effort to be there for his own child.

Now for the ending I am dealing with this week.

As I write this, a family is preparing to lay a woman to rest.

She was a daughter, a mother, a divorced wife, a classmate of mine that I once considered a good friend.

We lost touch over the years, grew up, and led very different lives.

Still, there have been similarities that just seem eerie to me.

We both had our demons that rode hard on our shoulders. We both have known despair, anger, disappointments, losses, and severe emotional pains.

This week, my old friend's demons took over.

Her pain took over.

She ended it all the only way she saw.

She took her life.

I am struggling with this harder than I really should, I think. I hadn't seen her in over 30 years. We had chatted a few times on Facebook, but she resisted any other contact. From what I heard, I wasn't the only one she shut out of her life. The little time we talked, I knew she was not happy.

I am kicking myself in the ass for not pushing harder. I was too wrapped up in my own pathetic life to even try to be there for someone who I am sure was struggling with some of the same issues I fight daily.

I might have saved her.

I might not have been of any help at all.

I will never know.

I feel like absolute crap because I didn't try harder to stay in touch with her.

I have been there, you see,

I have been at that point where it wasn't why but why not...

I have been there where the list to end it all was so long it would have taken an hour just to give the short version, at least in my head.

I have been there when I had to wrack my brain to find one reason to not end it all.

When I had kids, both lists got easier to make.

The list of why nots at least grew a bit longer.

I am still here, after all.

But, I know that pain, that vicious voice in my head saying every person I love would be better off with out me around to louse up their lives.

I know it too well.

I understand it.

I just wish I could have been less of an asshole and more of a friend for my old friend.

I guess my point is, we all need to open our eyes a bit wider, a bit more often, and really see what is going on around us. See what the people in our lives are really dealing with and reach out if we can.

It seems silly and cliche, but just knowing someone is there seriously helps.

Just the idea that someone might read this blog and remember my words at a time when they see someone in pain, struggling with life, is one of the reasons I write this blog.

Maybe my words will cause them to try to help someone.

Because I have been there.

I know what it is like to feel like no one cares enough to listen.

I know what it is like to feel alone with an issue that is consuming me, quite literally eating me alive.

I've been there at that edge, struggling to decide whether to step back and try again, or step forward into the abyss, and let it all end.

Some day, I hope I can help someone else see a reason to step back from that edge and try again, too.

I wish I had been able to do that this week.

May she finally have found the peace that alluded her in this life. May God be more understanding than the judgmental assholes who already are thinking she is burning in hell...

They do not know God's mind.

She had already been through hell and took the only out her mind provided.

Rest in peace, Suzanne...

Comments (1)

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j. napier » 2 years ago

Maybe it is possible the boy brat isn't his father and will make time for his child unlike his father.maybe he has experienced life differently then his father and isn't ignorant to certain things in life but doesn't see any other way to keep his child from experience early life as he did. Maybe he doesn't have hard feeling for having gone through certain experiences but doesn't want his child to go through them. Is it possible that he has a plan that involves his family unlike his father. I'm sure he loves parents/ father very much but WILL NOT end up as his father did is it possible he doesn't think as his father does.