How Did I Get Here, And Where Is The Next Turn?

Greetings and salutations to all who deem this worthy of your time...

Brought up Oct 5, 2014

Dark Mood

I am in an odd place today.

Spending time with my grandson sends me all over the place, emotion wise, lately.

I adore the little guy, but, because he is teething, I guess, the visits have been hard for me to handle. He gets so upset, and I struggle trying to comfort him. Once, I was in tears with him because nothing I did seemed to calm him down. I just sat holding this screaming baby and wept with him, and for him. I look forward to any time I get with him, but it makes me feel horrible when he cries so pitifully and I can't do anything to stop him.

See, he's breast fed. Nothing I can do will take his mommy's place.

Last night, as he was yet again exhausting himself wanting his mommy, I finally thought that the one thing anyone can do is feed him with a spoon. I mixed cereal, and the little booger scarfed it all down like a beggar at an all you can eat buffet.

Of course, he also ended up wearing as much as he ate.

After his bath, I got him into his jammies and snuggled him. He crashed out with very little fuss.

Wouldn't it be nice if all our desires, worries and anxieties could be answered like that?

There are so many things I have wanted over the years. Things I am having to let go now.

I will never get to tromp around a moor in Scotland and watch the heather growing.

I will probably never even get to travel and see the things in this country I have longed to see.

Short of a miracle, I will never have a real home of my own.

I continue to hope and pray that my children at least get to do some of the things I never have. They are young, their whole lives ahead of them, and yet, I see them settling. I see them giving up, one by one on their dreams, as they struggle to just survive.

I realize, they are coping me.

Me, I have maybe 20 years, give or take, left ahead of me, and they feel like dismal years from this angle right now. I hate the idea that my kids might already be at that place so early.

I could go around with Annie's 'Tomorrow' running through my head, chin stuck out... but all I seem to be doing these days is gritting my teeth and going around with a phony smile on my face for the world to see. Inside, I can't help but feel as if my life never really has started, and there isn't much left before I take the great dirt nap. I see little changing in that short time mainly because I have to do it by my self. It's a lonely feeling to do so much for others, only to have no help with the things I would like.

Don't feel sorry for me. I do enough of that by myself as well.


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