How Did I Get Here, And Where Is The Next Turn?

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Brought up Jan 11, 2014

Dealing With Change

It's been about 2 weeks, way too long. I have no real excuses. Well, excuses, but they stink as far as reasons go.

I've been dealing with a lot of changes lately. Too many mini dramas around me. They are others' stories, but they touch mine whether I want them to or not, and I am working toward learning to ignore them when I can't do anything about them.

The big thing about these changes is that they seem to be opening up chances for growth.

I watch what is happening with my son, helpless to persuade him to embrace the joy of the coming months. He is so stressed out over the money issues that he is missing out on what is important. I wish I knew how to get through to him, make him see that the sacrifices will be worth it when he holds that tiny creature in his arms, so fragile, but so full of promise.

He keeps saying he wants his child to have what he didn't have. My fear is he will repeat his own father's mistake of not enjoying his child while it is small and needs only his time to be happy.

As for me, I want to be the best grandma I can be. To do that, I know, all I need to do is love it, and be there for it when it needs me. I had a wonderful grandma, a very good example of how to love unconditionally. I just hope I can do the job as well as she did.

I feel like years of walls I built up inside me are crumbling away. I always feared those walls falling away, afraid that the pain and darkness inside me was all there was to me. I was afraid that there was nothing behind it all, or worse, just more of the same.

Christmas started something that has shown me different.

As I finally let go of a few of the walls that I felt kept me safe from getting hurt, I am discovering that there is something deep inside me that I felt for a long time either didn't exist in me, or was squashed to death. I realize now that there is something good in me, strong, and special, just like everyone else.

I saw once what was attributed to a Native American proverb of sorts. There are two wolves inside us all, good and bad. The one that rules us is the one we feed.

I guess, keeping those walls in place has been feeding the wrong wolf.

I am feeling such a strong change coming inside me, something that I will not be able to contain once it is fully realized. Kind of scary, but also exciting.

I always feared that if I really embraced my worth, discovered that I was really the person so many people say I am, I would become this arrogant jerk, full of myself. I realize now that those who act that way are really struggling with their own dark wolf. I guess my knowing so much hurt in my life helps me not only to see it in others, but to work hard to not hurt others deliberately as I have been hurt in the past.

I think, in the end, knowing those feelings (betrayal, fear, anger, abandoned, unwanted) will help me to help others deal with them. I know something inside me is uncovering the person I want to be, the one I was meant to be all along.

Maybe I will have the chance to be the person,and grandma, I want to be. I hope so.

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