How Did I Get Here, And Where Is The Next Turn?

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Brought up Aug 17, 2014

Saying Goodbye

Saying goodbye is always hard, but when you know it is probably for the last time, it's gut wrenching. I probably said goodbye to a dear loved one for the last time today. My heart is breaking.

Our uncle has been growing steadily ill for about a year now, with the 'doctor' he went to doing nothing to help him. She did no real tests, just gave him what ever medicines she wanted as he grew steadily worse. He lost 80 pounds in six months. It got to the point where he could not drive because of dizzy spells, and had trouble eating, but still the 'doctor' did little to find out why these things were happening to him.

Last week, he fell at home, in the night, and lay there all night, unable to get up on his own.

The local 'hospital' sent him home after they determined he had no broken bones, with no tests to see why he fell. A second trip, and a different ER doctor, and he was moved to the larger hospital 60 miles away.

Where his now, they determined he was severely malnourished, and his heart is weak and worn out. This is probably what has been happening for the past year, his heart growing tired with no intervention.

They are giving him medication to keep his blood pressure up, his sugar up. When he was admitted, they gave him 4 transfusions, and his blood sugar was 20.... normal is around 100.

The doctors are wanting to remove him from the medications, and the forced oxygen.

He was alert today. He knew us, nodded yes and no to what we said, even smiled at the photo I showed him of my grandson. He said he loved us, or tried under that mask.

I asked him, "You know what's going on, don't you?"

With a tear rolling down his cheek, he nodded, "Yes."

I am furious with the 'doctor' as this is the second family member she as allowed to become fatally ill in her 'care.'

Why the ' ' ? Well, in my opinion, this so called 'doctor' and local 'hospital' are not worthy of the titles. No one should have to suffer as our uncle has, with a 'doctor' more interested in her show horses than in the people she is supposed to be helping.

We should not be having to say goodbye to this precious man in this way.

Our uncle worked hard all his life, retired to a comfortable life, and should still be enjoying it just a little bit longer, not laying in an ICU bed with his body so bruised from his fall and lack of nourishment, his skin so fragile that just a touch causes pain.

No one should ever have to suffer that way.

That loving look he gave me, the way his eyes crinkled as he tried to smile, the funny answer to my making a face we used to exchange when I was a child, I will carry in my heart for the rest of my life.

Now all I can do is wait for that dreaded call. It isn't fair to have to say goodbye when I am not ready to let him go just yet, especially since I feel he has been stolen from us by medical neglect.

I also feel like absolute crap for being so wrapped up in my own life's ups and downs and such that I didn't spend more time with him over the years as I should have.

Maybe the anger I am feeling about this situation should really aimed mostly at myself for not being there for our uncle as we all should have over these past years.

Being angry is just holding back the grief I am dreading when I have to say that final goodbye when his poor body is place next to our dear aunt to rest. I know that, but it's easier to be angry right now as I have said what may be my last goodbye as he still breathes.


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