How Did I Get Here, And Where Is The Next Turn?

Greetings and salutations to all who deem this worthy of your time...

Brought up Aug 13, 2014

Hearts Breaking and Mending

It's been a while; Probably the longest time I have stayed away from here since i started this.

I haven't thanked y'all lately for coming and reading, and I am so sorry for that. Believe me, I appreciate each and every one of you, all 5, (yuk, yuk yuk) and read every comment I get. Special thanks to the new ones. If you read some of the older stuff, you will get more of a sense of what I was trying to do with this here thingie before I sort of got side tracked by the little bugger that wandered into my heart and took over. Not complaining. I absolutely adore the little monster of my oldest monster/boy brat.

Now, down to business.

I have had a few set backs lately, and a little sadness, as well as good things going on in my life. We were looking to rent a really wonderful house, and had it, except that then the owner blind sided us with a stipulation that we either find a tenant or also rent a small 'apartment' on the property. Problem: it was going to be hard pressing for us to get into the house its self what with a rent nearly 3 times what we pay now, but we were all going to be together, and I was looking forward to extra time with the little fella. Anyway, God Bless and help the guy's greedy little black heart, anyway.

We will still keep looking for a place big enough and safe enough for the little fella. Oh, I guess his mom and dad can come as well, if they must.

The world turns, and we must keep going with it. We must always find a way to bring joy into our lives. (I highly recommend getting a grand brat!)

I wish someone had found a way to persuade Robin Williams that there are so many wonderful ways for joy in life.

I was very sad to learn of Mr. Williams' death. He brought so much laughter and happiness into the world, I wish someone had shown him how to find some for himself.

If you have read my blogs often, you know I have mentioned my own struggle with depression. I know those dark hallways of the soul all too well. My first averted suicide attempt was at around the age of 12 or 13 when a friend yanked me back from an oncoming car. At 16, I caught myself a number of times almost not taking the curve in the bridge of a certain dam in this area. In college, and for a year or so after, I tried to drink myself out of my pain. I know that struggle too well. It was sometimes not reasons to die, but finding one reason to keep living. There were days I was hard pressed to find one reason.

Depression is one of the least understood things for the average folks. Few realize that it isn't just feeling sad, or blue. It is having days, weeks, months, even years of feeling that way. It is feeling that one's life is worthless, useless, a waste of space. Depression is a mad dog that will eat you alive if you don't find some way out of it. A lot of us who have made it through what were the darkest days can still slip if we are not careful.

I slip a lot. I have come so close to stumbling back into those dark hallways many times. It is sometimes very hard to see a light and follow it. I keep finding a light, but there are many days that I almost wish I didn't. There are many days I still have to count my reasons for hanging on and fighting off those dark thoughts. It's sometimes the hardest thing I have ever done to just keep breathing, but I do.

I just really wish Robin had found a way to make it through just one more day. Maybe he would have then found a reason to keep going for the next, and the next...

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wee woman » 4 years ago

I will always have a flashlight to light your way. So dont ever think of yourself alone. I will drag you out kicking and screaming

Mark » 4 years ago

I've read a lot about RW and depression over the last couple of days. You paint the picture better than any i've read. Your friends are glad that you find a way when the darkness lurks...