How Did I Get Here, And Where Is The Next Turn?

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Brought up Jul 24, 2014

Socializing... Or Rather, Rejoining the World

One of the big things about my depression was that I became a recluse.

I spent years holed up, afraid to deal with people. I would go to the store at 2 a m just to avoid people. When I HAD to be around people, it was nerve wracking. I would break out in a sweat, my heart would race, I would sometimes come home in tears.

I have always been shy. In my depressive days, being shy became almost physically painful. I once had a panic attack at church and went to the car, laying down in the seat until service was over and my family came out. I just knew everyone was staring at me though I now realize that no one probably even noticed.

My shyness is still with me, unfortunately, and it is really a big hurdle some days to even go to work. I am really good at finding excuses to not get into situations where I might end up having to actually interact with people.

Today, I stepped out of my comfort zone.

I went to watch my grandson, that bundle of joy who is making me have to deal with a new person whether I wanted to or not. I am so afraid of letting him down, and he is just 4 weeks old today, one month officially on the 25th. I am actually in a state of peace when it is just him and me. He doesn't make me feel judged.

His mom texted me before she returned, saying that one of my co workers had invited us over to her daughter's house to hang out by her pool. My first impulse was to say no. As much as I adore this particular lady, we have never spent time outside work, and it made my heart pound at the thought. I texted no, then, I texted back, "I cancel that no."

I feel awkward around my grandson's mom as it is, and adding two more people really had me on the verge of panicking, but I tamped it down, swallowed hard, and when she got home, we loaded the little fella into my car and went.

Spending time with the little fella is so precious to me, but this afternoon and evening, I think, may just have been equally precious. Sitting by the pool, watching my co worker's daughter as she burned some things in a cathartic purge from her divorce, I felt like I almost belonged.

My daughter and a friend joined us. My sin came by and picked up his lady and baby. We stayed a bit longer. I had a beer. We laughed, joked, talked. My daughter even helped with the purge as they hauled the Ex's old tool shed over to the burn pit, watched it burn until it almost got out of control, and they put it out.

It has been a very long time since I spent time like that with folks I haven't known long, and not one panic attack in sight.

Next time, I plan to be prepared to get into that pool!

Since I know she reads my blogs, thanks, V for helping me feel almost normal for a few hours. It means more than words can say.

Comments (3)

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wee woman » 3 years ago

I'm PROUND of you...you took a chance and had a wonderful time. don't miss out on life. Take a deep breath and JUMP. If panic sets in go to a place quiet and breathe. LIVE girl....

vicki » 3 years ago

we all had a good time hope do to it again with no danger of catching anything on fire!! and I agree with bossy that you need to join in the fun

bossy » 3 years ago

Love yoy kandy now lets get you out next tuesday for the crew picnic. We are gonna have a blast. Ill be in my yellow polka dot bikinihappy