How Did I Get Here, And Where Is The Next Turn?

Greetings and salutations to all who deem this worthy of your time...

Brought up Jun 2, 2014

Rock and Hard Place

Ever feel like you were stuck in that cliched place? yeah, I am there in a few ways right now.

The most pressing one, I am not sure how to, I don't know, 'deal' doesn't quite work there. Handle... maybe distance myself?

The one thing I do know is that I have to protect me and mine.

I have this one relative that is in a jam. She admits it is one of her own making. The problem is, until she is really, truly ready to help herself, there is really nothing anyone can do but get hurt.

She has hurt my feelings many times over the years, and I have always slinked back cringing for more, so needy for anything resembling familial love.

I am not that person now. Okay, I am trying my damnedest not to be. I think I am getting to a good place with that now where my own self love and respect is emerging.

The problem with that is that, it is like butterfly wings. Fragile, easily damaged. For it to grow stronger, and for me to finally fly as I want, I have to avoid those things that can cause damage.

This relative is one of those things.

I love her. I want to help all I can. I just really can not handle getting hurt myself in the process.

Not anymore.

My own image of my worth is too tenuous right now. I can't let any of those old doubts and fears take over again. They are like weeds that I have to constantly keep pulling up or they will take root and take over, again.

Pulling this one means not allowing my soft heart to get stomped on again by someone I love.

That is the rock and hard place.

I love her dearly, but now, I love me far more than i used to...

I can not go back to that old dark place this time.

I won't escape easily if I do, and will certainly be bruised and battered if I do make it out alive.

I just can't allow that, but how do I turn my back on someone in obvious distress? How do I harden that soft heart enough to protect it this time?

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