How Did I Get Here, And Where Is The Next Turn?

Greetings and salutations to all who deem this worthy of your time...

Brought up May 26, 2014

A Lot of Damns...

The past week has been fairly quiet... or it was.

working when my name pops up on the schedule, chatting with the Punk, spending A LOT of time on my own...

Wednesday, I had the charming mammogram, and a chest x ray, as ordered. Yeah, I put it off, postponed it twice...

Got a registered letter Saturday...

Something abnormal showed on this one that didn't show on the last one.


I am not going to allow myself to freak out about this, until there is something concrete. But, DAMN.

The worst part is the waiting. Holidays suck when you are waiting for the damned doctor's office to be open so you can find out what was abnormal on the damned test, and see whether you just have to redo it, or if this is going to be another bout of game plans, needles, cutting, etc...

I picked a lousy time to quit smoking...

On the up side, I am on my 12th day with out a smoke. Okay, I am using an e cig, and have actually noticed I am tapering off on my 'man do I want a cigarette' times. Those are the times I grab the e cig, and I am grabbing it less often.

It feels different this time. I can't explain it, but this time around, I guess I have dropped the "TRYING" and have quit.

I know that part of it has to do with something the Punk said about who is in charge: me or the cigarettes.

I have some control issues, I guess. I spent too many years allowing outside forces to control me... as well as internal voices from the past.

Now, I'll be damned if I let anything control me if I can help it anymore.

So, no, tobacco is not in charge.

I am.


Damn the cigarettes. They are gone from my life, one hour at a time, starting when I lit that last one on May 14, 20014, at about 7:00 p m.

Damn the stupid tests.

Damn the hospital for sending me a damned LETTER instead of a damned person calling me. Since I got the Damned letter on Saturday, a PERSON could damned well have called me.

Okay, I am angry.

Maybe a little anger is good right now.




Comments (1)

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wee woman » 4 years ago

You're letting stress get to quit damnit..... You know it could be nothing.... A stopped up gland... Calcium deposit...ect...... Stop borrowing problems...