How Did I Get Here, And Where Is The Next Turn?

Greetings and salutations to all who deem this worthy of your time...

Brought up Oct 16, 2013

Dreams...

There comes a time when one must really look at themselves, their lives, and be honest with themselves.

My life has not gone the way I had hoped when I was younger. My dreams have crashed and burned before they could even take flight. Compared to most of the ones with whom I grew up, I am a complete failure.

I can't remember the last time I felt so low.

It's all my own fault.

I spent my entire life afraid.

I understand the term self fulfilled prophesy. I let my fear of failing defeat me, and never tried to really do what I wanted. I was told I was worthless trash, and set out to prove it in spades.

You can't make dreams realities if you don't even try.

So, what next?

Do I just sit on my fat ass and let what's left of my life just coast away as it has?

I look around and see all the success that others have earned. No, I am not jealous or envious. How could I be? As I said, I have no cause to envy, because I never tried.

I look at those with glorious lives, vacations all the time, fancy cars and homes, wonderful jobs, and I just get angry with myself for not even trying to do what I wanted.

I can keep on hating myself for not going for what I wanted, I guess. What's that going to get me? Just more bitterness, that's what.

Sure, I am working at a minimum wage job, with kids less than half my age running circles around me. I come home feeling like a Mack truck hitting me might actually make me feel better. I ache in places I forgot I have muscles, wondering if it's worth it to keep trying to do the damned job when I don't think I am doing well.

Then, the manager, the STORE MANAGER, not just one of the shift managers, tells me I am doing a good job. I really needed to hear that from her.

I do still have dreams, things I want to do with my life that might actually still be possible.

My piddly little check is a glimmer of hope. If I can hang on to this job, maybe, just maybe, I can finally begin to get those dreams flying...

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wee woman » 4 years ago

STEPPING STONES... we all have to learn to crawl darling.. before we walk, run, or fly... keep at it. You are finally doing something for yourself and I couldnt be more proud of you