How Did I Get Here, And Where Is The Next Turn?

Greetings and salutations to all who deem this worthy of your time...

Brought up Oct 5, 2013

A New Chapter, Maybe...

This week seems to have opened a new lane on the road I am traveling, and I am not sure if it will merge or go off in another direction. If it merges, it should lead to some interesting times in my future, good and not so fab, but different. If it remains just a lane, eventually it will go in another direction, and leave me with some serious decisions to make for my life.

I worked pretty much most of the week, two days full shifts. It's hard, and I have trouble keeping up sometimes, but people keep telling me I am doing well. I am learning more every day, and I like it most of the time.

The plan was that I would be helping catch up the bills, get something paid on my doctor and hospital bills, and then finally have money of my own, to spend as I please, guilt free, no strings attached. So far, it looks like those last two parts, the doc and my own little wants, are going to be a struggle.

Everything hangs on the economy, the husband's continued improvement health wise, the kids getting wise and helping out with some of the things in the household, and my keeping up on the job.

the thing is, even if the money sitch gets worked out, and that major chunk of stress is lifted off me, there are still some things that need work, before I decide if I should keep walking the path I'm on, or take a deep breath, and follow that new path that seems to be a bit overgrown for now, but still visible along the way.

There will have to be some major changes all the way around. I can not keep going on, pretending that things are all hunky dory while I am miserable inside. It's like little pieces of me take their final gasping breaths, struggling to survive, and failing.

Haven't I let enough of me die? Haven't I allowed enough people take my dreams from me? And, yes, I let it happen. I had no tools to fight back, didn't know how to hang on to what I wanted and needed in my life to be happy. I have them now, or am working on them. I am growing in confidence, a little bit anyway, and each day gets me closer to holding my head high, meeting people's eyes more, and finally just smiling for no reason except I am happy.

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wee woman » 4 years ago

As one who has taken the road less traveled let me assure you that its very scary at first and when you look ahead you loose the path all together.... just look down put one foot in front if the other and GO...don't look behind because you will think you've made a mistake. Just know there is guidance you just gotta let it happen.