How Did I Get Here, And Where Is The Next Turn?

Greetings and salutations to all who deem this worthy of your time...

Brought up Aug 12, 2013

"Come On Along..."

Just back from my walk. I've about decided I have one of those attention problems. I swear, my mind was all over the place this morning. I would be thinking of the things I wanted to get to today, the brain drifting off into ideas to blog about, leading to my mention of a surprise in an earlier entry. In the middle of all that, I am on the verge of humming along with the song that out of no where started in my head... "You ain't seen nothin' like Mighty Quinn..." Which led to the movie with Denzel, palm trees, Jamaica, thoughts of sand and big drinks with umbrellas, the Punk back from his sandy week of loafing...

Full circle now.

One of the things I wanted to get done today, besides pitching a few bags of crap, since I only did 8 this past week, was see if my little 'surprise' was really news worthy, only note worthy, or just more BS from the tangled knots that pass for my thoughts. I guess ya'll can decide.

As of this moment, I am 5 days, 10 hours, and 28 minutes, tobacco free.

I will not say I have quit, yet. I have had a few days where just the smell has sent my mouth watering. And one slip up on Thursday that I really need to stop kicking myself over. I did suck a disposable e-cig dry in less that 48 hours, one that was supposed to have 800 puffs. I think the damned thing was defective.

All the pros and cons are bouncing around in my head, of course. Bottom line: I like smoking. I like the whole process. It's hard to let go of that with out gritting my teeth and assuring myself that it could lead to another 10 years or so to my lifespan. Of course, there is the absence of morning hacking up chunks of brown gunk which had started a few weeks back. I am already breathing easier on my walks, and smells are more 'there' now.

I think the smoking thing is all about control. I have spent years thinking, 'Oh, yeah, watch me!' when ever someone said I shouldn't smoke.

It's different now. I think part of it is I am doing this for me, like the weight loss and all. I am not doing it because I think a few people will respect me more if I quit. I am not doing it because my doc all but ordered it. I am not doing it because my kids are being snotty about it. I am doing it because, finally, it's one more thing IIIIIIII am in control of for a change.

Sure, I decide what food goes in my mouth, and even when I am eating less that 1500 calories, the pounds are not coming off much. It has me ready to quit. I have been exhausted from the walks, ready to give that up as well. I have been on the verge, for months now, to say screw it, to hell with it all! Why in the hell am I torturing myself? Why am I doing all this crap when no one gives a rat's ass if I live another 20 years or not? 20 more years of sitting on my tail, going no where, doing nothing, with people around me who will go on with their happy little lives with or with out me around. I mean, it's not like any of them will mourn me for more than a few days before they realize I made no difference with my presence or absence either way.

I know, PITY PARTY. Waaaaa... Poor widdle me. I am PATHETIC!

So, anyway...

I am working on the no cigarettes for myself, and no one else.

It does help, though, that my boy brat has set them aside, as well. Of course, he's dipping, which is much more disgusting. Still, the temptation of his pack of smokes just lying around is removed. We shall see how well I hold up...

5 days, 11 hours, 3 minutes... and counting.

Okay, now that damned song is back... Excuse me while I start searching for something tie dyed and a little steel drums music...


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