How Did I Get Here, And Where Is The Next Turn?

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Brought up Dec 29, 2013

Dreams Say a Lot, Don't they?

I had an odd dream this morning as I woke.

I dreamed I was sitting in a very nice restaurant, crisp white table cloths, crystal, china, silverware, soft music... alone.

I knew my hands. I was looking at them, unadorned, nice nails, cutting up a steak.

I wasn't lonely at all.

I was thinking of writing a blog as I cut that steak and enjoyed its tender, perfect juiciness.

I woke with that image firmly in my mind, and the blog.

The blog was about my father.

I have been desperately trying to put that old wound to rest.

Maybe, this will help.

See, I never really knew my father. He left my mom when she was carrying me. They divorced when I was six months old. I heard stories about him, of course, but never met him until I was seventeen years old, when I went to live with him.

I lived with my father and his family for a year and two months. During that time, my father was closed off to me. I remember little snips of that time. Dad was always working. Most of that time, I got to know my step mom more than my dad. She was a wonderful lady, full of spirit, warmth, and humor. She reminded me a lot of my mom, and I grew to love her almost as much.

My dad, though, as I said, was closed off, distant.

I watched my dad interact with his other kids, and was so jealous. They had stories I didn't have a part in, jokes I didn't get, ways that made that shy kid I was uncomfortable.

My father's kids and I got along well at first, but after a few months, the two older ones didn't seem to want me around. I spent most of those last months holed up in my room when I wasn't in school or doing chores. I clearly remember being in bed, listening to the news announcing the death of John Lennon.

I closed myself off from all of the family that was so different to me. I stopped trying to join them. I stopped trying to win my father's love because he didn't seem to have any for me.

I have spent my entire adult life aching for that love I never had from my dad.

Little girls need their dad's love. If they don't have it, for what ever reason, it seems to leave a hole nothing fills. I know. I have tried everything.

I realize, now, that I don't need to fill that hole. I need to close it.

So, now, that is one of the missions in my life. I have to find a way to close that hole so it doesn't hurt so much.

I want to be that woman, cutting up a steak, peaceful and calm in an elegant, expensive place, alone, and okay with it.

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Friend » 4 years ago

Wow. Powerful thought. I'm clueless as to how to close the hole but i'm happy to help!