How Did I Get Here, And Where Is The Next Turn?

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Brought up Nov 6, 2013

Illusions Torn Away

I think I was happier when I was a recluse, hidden from the world, wrapped in my own delusions and illusions.

This year has been way more than I expected, this time last year, when I had just come home from seeing the ocean for the first time. Too many things have happened to rip away the blinders I wore.

I thought, facing my own mortality was going to be the worst part of the year. I was wrong.

The other day, as I was fumbling through trying to fill out the 5 Wishes thing that I was supposed to have filled out already, I sat and sobbed, alone, trying to decide who should be in charge of my care, should the cancer return, who should decide when to tell the doctors to stop treatment if I am unable, and what should be done with my mortal remains. Maybe it's a good thing I didn't have it this time last year.

This past week proves that i would have chosen people who are too wrapped up in their own dramas to pay attention to what I would need, should the time come. Maybe I'll just throw the damned thing in the garbage, and tell them when the time comes, no drugs, let me die and toss me in a damned wood chipper. After all, I won't know or care.

I am seeing people I have known my whole life, or theirs, doing things I never dreamed they'd do, as if they are every day things for them. It has sent me spinning out of control emotionally tonight, as yet more has been stripped away. It's sordid, and not my tale to tell, yet I am the one who has to deal with it all, since I happen to care for the idiots.

It's a lonely feeling, and, apparently, mine to handle alone.

I drank a beer, hoping it would at least ease some of the pain so I could sleep. I am usually a light weight now, and one beer normally can knock me out when I am like this. No dice. I have eaten a quarter of a large dark chocolate bar, BK onion rings with lots of their zesty sauce. Nope. Still feel shitty.

I realize the world can be a very ugly place. People you thought were moral, good folk turn out to be not so decent. Others you might hear about as corrupt, amoral, turn out to be either just as bad as the stories say, or actually the real decent folk. It's confusing on a good day. Tonight, it's enough to make me wish I could guzzle about 5 more beers, curl up in my bed, and sleep it all away with a nice hang over tomorrow. Nope, not me. I have to work tomorrow. I have responsibilities.

I have come too far, and have so much farther to go, to let others' mistakes and choices flub me up now. And yet, there it still is, big and nasty, ugly and frightening.

There is no crock of gold at the end of the rainbow, only a stained, cracked old mason jar full of sand and bugs. There are no super heroes to come charging in to save the day, just plain old mortals that are just as human as the rest of us with their own sins.

The Punk has said I am naive, innocent in some ways. Maybe. He said he found it refreshing. At the time, I found it tiresome. Now, I would give almost anything to have back part of what I lost this week. If I could turn back the clock just a week and a day...

I will muddle through. I always do. I will find a way to deal with all the crap that just keeps piling up.

I will weave my own delusions and illusions back around me, I guess, but there will be some worn spots, some tatters and holes, just waiting for the world to rip away some more.

Yes, I think it was simpler when I hid from the world. Too bad the blinders don't seem to fit anymore.


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