How Did I Get Here, And Where Is The Next Turn?

Greetings and salutations to all who deem this worthy of your time...

Brought up May 25, 2013

I Am Blessed...

"Think of the evils and wrongs of the past as a condemned building. When something in the present triggers a memory from then, one is suddenly on the ledge of that building. Working to finally get the past to stay where it belongs is tearing down that building, brick and board with your bare hands, Eventually, you will no longer have or need that ledge. You will be in a peaceful meadow the building hid."

I never thought I would actually quote myself. Weird. I wrote that as a status on FB a couple of days ago, I think. It's how I have been feeling for a long time, trapped and wandering through a condemned building of my own making because of the CPTSD like symptoms and depression.

Lately, I am getting glimpses of that meadow of peace in my future, and it is awesome.

I told the Punk that, lately, it feels like I am digging my fingers into the crumbling mortar and ripping out the bricks. I also told him that I just hoped I didn't rip out the wrong ones too soon, and the building fall on my head. Thanks again, Punk for, once again, talking me off that ledge. Man, you should be doing that for a living! You are so good at it!

Dealing with depression, and getting past not only it but also the traumas that caused it is a very daunting task when you are doing it alone. Therapy can be a big help for some. Medication also helps some. I admit that what I call my 'Prozac Year' was one of the best years of my life. I did more with my small son, went to more places, and for a time, the gauzy veil of depression lifted. Becoming pregnant with the child the doctors said I would never have, my Miracle Girl, caused the docs to take me off Prozac. I was okay for a time, though. I had my darling little girl, and my sweet son. But, that building was still there, and I realize I must have just been dwelling in a part of it that was not as damaged as the rest for a while. It crumbled as all things do when they are not maintained well.

The past few years, crawling out of the hole that so many have tried to drag me out of, and ripping away the bricks and boards that had me trapped has not been easy. I am no where near out of that building. But, man! do I see a lot more light these day!!

In the midst of working out my issues came the charming C word, like some demonic contractor shoring up that damned building, closing over the holes I had made to let in light. It could have sent me reeling back into that hole, but for one thing. I realized, I LIKED the light. I realized that I am much stronger now than I have ever been in my entire life. And, I realized, I am not alone. I have a wonderful group of friends and family that, if not helping rip out bricks, at least are cheering me on. I am humbled, and a bit confused sometimes, by their not giving up on me. I guess they love me, warts and all. I love them all as well. They are God's grace in my life.

It is such an overwhelming feeling to realize how strong I have become. The daily sadness and anger I have had around me like a straight jacket most of my life are barely blips in my day now, most of the time. I actually smile, and mean it even when I am alone. There are words of which I finally understand the definition: Faith, Hope, Joy, Grace, Blessed. It's such a wondrous feeling I have been waking with these days. I keep asking others, "Is this what happy feels like?"

I will keep ripping away... I like this feeling!!

Thanks for sticking around all this time, guys and gals. You are all like my demolition crew! Your kind words and encouragement... Words can not express what they mean to me, what you, my faithful readers, mean to me. Thank you so much...

(I promise to write more silly, goofy stuff soon. My funnybone isn't broken. It's just been busy.)


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