How Did I Get Here, And Where Is The Next Turn?

Greetings and salutations to all who deem this worthy of your time...

Brought up May 21, 2013

Insomnia, My Old Friend...

Insomnia is a bitch. I thought nights like this were long gone, but apparently, my brain just refuses to shut off until I get out something that has plagued me for a few months...

For the majority of my life, there have been people in my life that I would have given my first born to have them actually in my life. These are people I have loved, adored, practically worshiped, and they have little or nothing to do with me. That big ole F word... Family.

The Brady Bunch, and all their ilk lied to me. They gave the impression that family was everything, and all those that I called family should love me and want to spend time with me. It was a big fat lie that I swallowed whole.

After a time, I realized they didn't give two damns what I thought, how I felt, or what I was doing. The fact that I was in a deep, dark hole of depression meant nothing to them. The fact that I wanted to be dead most of my teen and young adult years meant nothing. I drew farther into myself, wallowed in my self pity, most days cursing the fact I woke up in the morning.

When my children came along, I found a purpose for existing, I thought. I gave up any plans, dreams, desires, and concentrated on doing the best I knew for them. But they didn't get the best of me, because I could not seem to get out of the darkness and see the best of me myself. I watched them grow into such incredible people, despite my really being absent from them. Sure I was physically there, but the real me was buried under all the self hatred, true loathing, and sobbing self pity. I am disgusted with myself when I look back at what I could have done with them and didn't.

The past few years, I have begun to make peace with a lot of bullshit I have carried around, and through this medium, found a bit of my voice. It has given me the courage to crawl out of my hole, and really look at my self honestly. Yes, there are still days when I think I am a worthless, useless scrap of humanity that would have been better off smothered at birth, but there are also days when I look at myself and say, you're not so bad. Actually, you are pretty damned terrific!

See, though, there was still that nagging, awful bit of me that has, until recently, wondered, what is so awful about me that those F members act like they don't know me. What dawned on me is, they really don't know me. The have no clue who I am. Sure, they have an image that I allowed them to see. One of my many masks that I have written about. They never had any desire to look past the mask and see ME. The me they saw was just a fraction of my true self. Pity they never looked deeper. Now, with all of me emerging, I am afraid it may be too late. The damage is done, and I am not sure I want them to know me.

Suddenly, out of the blue, they think they have some right to say something about things I say and do. That pisses me off to no end. All my life, my opinion, my thoughts were so unimportant to them, that they ignored me completely, even when they had the power to help me change things that were happening. Now, out of the blue, they think they have some right to say something. SCREW THAT.

Marilyn Monroe once said something that really has been ringing in my ears of late. I don't know the actual quote, but it was basically, If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve my best. Smart lady. Too damned bad it has taken me 50 frigging years to know that.

I am finally coming into my best. I have struggled out of the hole. I am no longer that frightened mouse scurrying for cover, or that whipped puppy begging for scraps of my family's love and attention. I have my husband, my children, my mom, and sibs. I have a few other relatives that I suppose at least are still talking to me. And I have my dear friends, my adopted family that I don't have to beg to love me. I am a pretty lucky woman to have so many people to love me. They have all earned my adoration by simply sticking by me, and badgering me to keep going when I feel like giving up the fight in me.

As for the rest of them. Screw them. I don't need them. I refuse to go skulking about and trying to get them to care about me. It's impossible. I know that now. It's their loss. The holes in my heart that I had reserved for them are over flowing with those who do want me in their lives. Those who have ignored me, and never gave a damn about my thoughts before now, well, they can kiss my hippo sized ass.

Oh! and by the way, those who do know me, also know this is actually very carefully edited. Feel free to sprinkle a few of the actual F word quite liberally, and you get the real idea of how pissed off I really am!!!

Tootles, folks. I think I might actually sleep now.

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Connie » 5 years ago

Ohhhh Kandy,

Sleep deep and with much peace hon`. Only the best dreams allowed.

And you are right, SREW EM` LOL LOL LOL