How Did I Get Here, And Where Is The Next Turn?

Greetings and salutations to all who deem this worthy of your time...

Brought up Apr 28, 2013

Pealing the Layers...

I almost deleted my last entry. I have no business blogging in rage mode. Yet, I didn't, and I will tell you why.

The Punk once said, and I am not quoting, but in essence, if you really care about someone, you accept the whole person, not just the parts you like and find attractive. We are all many layered. To accept the whole, you have to deal with the not so great things along with the great. We also have to do that with ourselves.

One of my biggest problems is accepting all of me. I see the negatives only most of the time. I had them pointed out, and magnified, quite well for me as a child and young woman. So much so, that i have had a lot of trouble actually accepting the fact that I really do have some good qualities. When people have pointed those out to me, I have shrugged it off, made jokes, thinking they were just being nice to me. And of course wondering what they wanted from me because most of the time when I was a kid, if someone was 'nice' to me, they wanted something. Almost everyone had their own agendas, even if it was just for me to shut up and stay out of the way. There were the exceptions: My favorite uncle who died way too soon, my favorite aunt, ditto, and my Granny. i know the rest of my family loved me in their own way, but those 3 never put limits on that love.

I think one of the things I have learned dealing with depression is that a lot of negative reinforcement does some serious damage. When you have spent most of your life listening and believing that you are nothing special at all, that you are fat when you're not, that so many things about you are ugly or just 'wrong' it burrows into your mind and heart like a worm, leaving damage along the way. Sometimes the damage heals, and sometimes it kills. I think sometimes that until a few years ago, a part of me was gasping its last. I thank God every day for those in my life who didn't allow that to happen.

So, I have to learn to see the good in myself for a change. I have to quit letting the lies and deceit that overshadowed me call the shots in how I feel about me. That is very hard to do. The past few months, I have been seriously struggling with it.

A friend from my teen years has come back into my life. She was one of the first, maybe THE first person, I told about the abuse. She understood all too well, because she had been through it, too. Hers was much worse than mine even. She was also probably the first person to see what I was doing to myself, wallowing in the 'not good enough, not pretty, not smart' thing, and tried to drag me out of it kicking and screaming. Abandoning what you are used to is a very difficult thing to do. She just HAD to come wandering back into my life now, right? And here she is, reinforcing all the BFF and the Punk have been saying. She has joined forces with them to rip away all the "Shitty lies" I have been wrapped in for so long. Man, I am really glad there is little or no chance those 3 will meet. If they were to come together at me, full force, I would really be naked and raw, facing what is really good about me with out any of my comfort zone intact. I know, it's messed up to look at good things as if they are negative, right?

The husband has told me for years that I was beautiful. I thought he was full of crap. The BFF has told me over and over how great she thinks i am, and I thought she was a little touched in the head for that. The Punk comes along after a 30+ absence, and damn it all, does the same thing. I think he is just being nice, like he was as a kid. Then, wham! In walks the one I held up as a fierce goddess, and she joins the litany of positive. She is more fierce than ever these days, tearing through my comfy places like buzz saw, no holds barred.

So, I am learning, very slowly (better late than never) to try and accept all of me, just as I have been working on accepting all of others. It's pretty messed up when you are more than willing to accept only the bad in yourself, while seeing only the good in others, isn't it?

As for leaving the last blog up. It's a reminder for me of how to not handle life's bumps. they are still going to come, those bumps in the road, and I have to remember that, with the bad, there is still good...

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wee woman » 4 years ago

About damn time. I have been telling you for years that you are worth more than you give yourself credit for. I wish you would learn to accept compliments for what they are..... I've told you several times things you have pushed aside.... I meant every one.... I love you