How Did I Get Here, And Where Is The Next Turn?

Greetings and salutations to all who deem this worthy of your time...

Brought up Jul 2, 2013

Blessed...

There are times when I forget just how lucky I am. Sure, I bitch and moan about so many things, wallow in my problems. Then, I read something that others are dealing with, and realize just how truly blessed I am.

I just read about another that the ugly C word has claimed. It breaks my heart. She left behind an 8 year old and a 14 year old, after fighting for 3 years. The same cancer took her mother and grandmother. She was only 41.

I am so humbled when I say I am cancer free, because I know how awful it could have been if my cancer had not been found so quickly. Who Ever Is Listening really is watching over me. I just wish I had a better picture of why He has seen fit to let me keep breathing when so many others stop.

No matter how many times I hear of another losing that battle, I always seem to be reduced to tears. I am so blessed. I really have had it easy with no further treatment after the surgery. I just don't get it.

Why me? I'm nobody. My kids are grown. I have not had the greatest life, but it's been better than some. I have a few regrets, and things I would still like to make better, things I want to do. My passing would not be a great loss to the world at large, I guess.

Yet, while so many with so much still ahead of them are claimed by this awful disease, here I sit. I am healthier than I have been in 15 years. I had a few little renegade cells that could have really gone haywire, but they didn't. I neglected my health for most of my adult life because of my fear of doctors. And here I sit. I just don't get it.

I love that saying, God's not done with me, yet. I guess that's true.

We all come into this world for a purpose. Many come and go with barely a footprint left behind. Some blaze through for all to see. I figure I fall somewhere close to the first one. I am no blazing star, nor do I want to be one. Still, I feel as though I have not yet found my purpose. I want to know why I am here after all the crap I have been handed and survived when the same things have been the end of others. I know many don't ask that question, but I have always been one to question EVERYTHING. I am not content with drifting along. I guess I never have been.

I guess there is something driving me. There is something inside me that says, this is not all there is for you, Kandy. You are not finished. Keep looking. Your journey is far from it's end.

So, I listen. I watch. I wait. In the mean time, I keep fighting the battle of the bulge, keep working on cutting back the smokes to quit them. (That phrase 'self inflicted cancer' keeps echoing, Punk. Thanks for that!) Most of all, I will keep trying to be the best me I can be with what ever trials and gifts come my way. I am one of millions who wake to a new sunrise each day with a 'Thank you' on my lips, when so many others are not waking again.

Truly, humbly, blessed.

Comments (2)

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wee woman » 5 years ago

I know there are a lot if things stressing you. But you are blessed. You could have let things go until you had to go through treatments.. you have just a taste of the financial burden so many face each day.

the punk » 5 years ago

the punk sounds like a jerk! what do they know! great blog. someday you will `find' your purpose and realize that you knew it, and were about it, all the time...