How Did I Get Here, And Where Is The Next Turn?

Greetings and salutations to all who deem this worthy of your time...

Brought up Feb 4, 2013

If Only...

Thank you, Punk for your support. I appreciate it more than I can say.

I love it when people say the past is the past and it should stay there. I so wish that were true. Our past has made us who we are. If it follows you, there are reasons for it. Until it is dealt with, it will continue to follow you, and pop up when you least expect it.

My weight has a lot to do with my dealing and trying to forget my past. I ate trying to fill an empty space in me. I ate to numb my feelings. I would sometimes stuff myself to the point of vomiting just trying to forget. It didn't work, and I just got huge.

I once read somewhere that a lot of women grow obese in an unconscious desire to erase their femininity. I have blogged about that. I know now I was doing that. I still have a problem with it. I prefer jeans and tees, or my sweats to anything girly. I've blogged about that, too. I am working past that, but it really is a slow process.

There was a time when I would avoid people at all cost. I would do my shopping at 2 a m, simply because there would be hardly anyone there. I am capable of going in the daytime now, but I still feel like I swallowed a bolder, and break out in a sweat sometimes. I now know when a panic attack is happening, and get out as quickly as possible. It's been a while, and I am glad of that.

As I work past all my insecurities and self loathing, I keep meeting road blocks. They get easier to crawl over, or go around. I hope I get to a point where I can just plow through them like cobwebs, but it ain't happening yet. The days I curse myself for waking up are fewer these days, though when I was getting ready for my surgery, there was a whisper telling me maybe this would be the end of more than the cancer. I pushed it away, because, like I said before, I am not that person anymore. I want to live more than anything now. I have too much to do, and have wasted too much time holed up feeling sorry and hating myself.

Today, I wrote a blog mentioning some things that in retrospect were not prudent. In my defense, I had no idea a certain family member read my pathetic writings. I assumed most of my readers don't know my family, except for the Cuz, and I think she would have understood where I was writing from. The last thing I want is to hurt anyone, so I deleted it. A few words were taken out of context, and blew up in my face. As usual, I am the bad guy. I take responsibility for my words, but I still don't see what was so evil about them. There were only 3 hits on it, and I know who each was.

Leaving the past behind would be wonderful. I wish there was some pill I could take that would erase the painful parts, the parts that still visit my dreams from time to time, like last night. At least no one was physically harmed. Once, early in our marriage, I gave my husband a bloody nose in my sleep. I never even told him what really happened though I am sure he knew. I struck out during a nightmare. He's dealt with worse from me. The screaming arguments over stupid, little things, things thrown at him, even hitting. Most of my anger was turned inward, and what he and my kids have witnessed was just spill over. Scary thought there. I am not that angry anymore. I am not proud of my actions, but I am no where near that person now. I am much more comfortable in my own skin, but there are still moments it is best to let me be.

Another habit I have that I am trying my damnedest to let go of is apologizing all the time, even when I have done nothing wrong. I guess I sometimes feel I need to say I'm sorry for even existing. Crazy? Sure. Today I was told I didn't exist anymore. Gee, I'm still breathing, looking around, hearing the stupid television. The thing is, the words were meant to have me in a ball, crying, and begging to be forgiven. I did cry, but then I sucked it up. I can go on not existing to some people, I guess, if that's what they want, but I am not that whinny baby who is going to go crawling. Not anymore. It will work out, or not. (The crack about my father was uncalled for, especially since the one making it never met the buzzard. My father was a cold, hard man on a good day.) It is beyond my control, and I accept that. I didn't say anything I would not have said directly to them. Words out of context, and people who didn't even read them... hhhhhhhhhhhhh.

If there was some way to change things, I would. If only life came with a rewind and erase button, I'd be pushing the damned thing back to this morning. I can't, and I guess I pay for my mistake. I admit I am only human and I make so many mistakes I can't keep track anymore. So do others, being only human. I don't hold their mistakes against them, and always have their backs when they need it. Or I did. I think that maybe this time, something's broken that won't heal quickly. Even if it does, I think I may be busy that day when someone needs help. My children have been hurt this time, and that I will not have. I am proud that they have my back this time. They and their dad maybe all I have left now. And my dear, sweet friends. Thanks for being there WW and Punk. I love you guys. Kick my butt if I go back to whining, okay? You both know how wishy washy I get.

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cuz » 5 years ago

so what did you blog about that got you in that much trouble?