How Did I Get Here, And Where Is The Next Turn?

Greetings and salutations to all who deem this worthy of your time...

Brought up Jan 26, 2013

Getting It Together

It's been a few days, I know. Sorry about that. It's been a difficult time.

I am now 24 days post op. Those 24 days have not always been pleasant. Folks fibbed a bit about the damned meds. Sure, they help with the pain, but it really isn't a great thing to be fuzzy thinking when you are a person who sort of lives in your head at times. I am trying to go with out the drugs when ever possible. Down to one maybe every other day or two. The pain has settled to a tolerable place with out them most of the time. Yet, I can see why some use drugs. that fuzzy place is seductive, welcoming, when you are dealing with crap you really would rather ignore, or make disappear entirely, if you could. It would be so easy for me to fall into that trap these days. I have chosen to deal with my problems drug less. It's hard going, but better than wallowing, or worse, letting it all get hazy. The drug haze affects the good just as much as the bad, and I need the good. So, no drugs unless the pain gets to that place where I can't sleep. I'm avoiding the sleeping pills all together. I read (after the Punk googled and told me) that those prescribed for me can cause hallucinations... might explain those little shadows at the edges of my vision, quick movements that when I jerk my eyes to them, there's nothing there. I am 3 days w/o the pills there, and today, no shadows flicking by.

the doc said "Go for it," yep, exact words, when I asked about getting back to my walks. Unfortunately, at about a half mile, my belly starts to hurt. So, I am at a mile, but it gets easier every day. I noticed last night, as I walked through Wally World to retrieve my debit card from the Boy brat at work, my pace, when in a determined mode, is almost back to normal with only a little aching once I returned to the car. No narcotics means I am clear to drive. Driving, however, brings a whole new set of aches with it. Still, the rush of whipping around corners at 40 mph is enough to make it worth a little discomfort.

One thing about no pain meds is also no constipation. Of course, that sends things in the other direction, but it lets up on the gas pains and discomfort difficulty going presents. I can deal with the other any time with out that. I am actually thinking of doing the whole system cleansing regularly now. Yes, I will be researching alternatives to what the doctor prescribed before surgery because that was horrendous. The thing is, my 'system' is working so much better now.

I just weighed. 13 pounds over that glorious weight of my first visit to the West Clinic. The Punk swears my scales are off. I say, it's probably a combo of water, not walking, and eating like a pig because I am still fighting the nicotine hunger... Don't judge me. I bought two packs this week... but I have made the day so far on only two stolen from my boy brat, and the second e-cig in as many weeks. I found cheapos at the Dollar Store, and sucked the first dry in a week and two days. I am frigging trying. That very disappointed "Kandy" from the Punk last week was enough to make me try harder.

The real problem is, the surgery seems to have brought out the best, and the worst in myself, and those around me. My kids have been great, as long as I keep yammering that even though I am feeling better, there is still a chance of messing up my insides if I don't have help. It sucks to depend on them, but there are still times I have to and it pisses me off. Other things have happened that have been making me do some severe soul searching. I could moan and groan about them, but everyone keeps pointing out how so n so has it so much worse. I really don't give a damn. That's their life, and their choices. This is mine, and I have some things going that are MY problems, causing ME some real physical, and emotional upheavals. Yeah, I can bitch and moan about them, or I can do something about them. I plan to do the bitching until the doctor releases me... then there will be the actions. Some folks will smile and cheer for me. Great, wonderful. I will need that, because there will be some who are not happy about the changes coming. They will have to get over it, but I know they will make my life hell until they accept the changes, or walk. For the first time in my life, I barely feel guilty at the idea of being a little selfish for once. It is my life after all, and it is time I lived it.

Anyway, I know this is rambling, and maybe a bit confusing... but hell, I am coming off drugs, okay?? LOL!


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