How Did I Get Here, And Where Is The Next Turn?

Greetings and salutations to all who deem this worthy of your time...

Brought up Jan 29, 2013

Dreams and Sucky Reality

Do you ever play the game, "What if you suddenly had money to just blow?" The Punk and I played that today. He received a bonus he didn't expect. He works hard and deserves double or even triple the amount he is getting, in my opinion. I don't know anyone else who puts in the hours he does, on salary. (Of course, I think those who have to spend time from home like my husband deserve extra compensation, but I have felt that for years. The missed birthdays, holidays and anniversaries should be compensated. It sucks.) After the happy dance time, we played the what if game. I asked him, if he had X amount of money, and could behave like a spoiled rotten brat, just this once, what would he do. Being a southern man, (HEHE) his first impulse was a new truck. Then, after some thought, he went to his geeky side. A new super computer, a new TV in his man cave, new XBox... you get the picture. He's a 16 year old trapped in an almost 50 year old body, after all.

When he asked me the same, my first impulse was a spa trip, a fat farm. He said they couldn't do much more than what I am doing. Then I said, TUMMY TUCK... but not just the tummy. I'd want all the saggy, baggy crap chopped off. Yeah, 26 days after being cut open, still dealing with the discomfort of all the crap inside still healing and getting used to its new found extra space, I would still be willing to deal with more to get rid of this mess. It really sucks to look in the mirror coming out of the shower and feeling like I might throw up at the sight. It is almost enough to drive me to go grab a chocolate shake, wash it down with about half a fried chicken, 2 cheese burgers and half a ton of fries to fill it back out... almost.

Now, my mom has assured me that some of that skin might tighten up a bit in time. Sure, easy for her to say. She has never in her life been the size I am now, much less the size I was. And, well, let's face it, I am 50. The skin is probably here to stay. I could accept the damned arms, if I could just get rid of the belly, hips and thighs. I am disgusted I let myself get as big as I was, and disgusted I am still so big. There are times I am truly revolted by just the sight of my reflection in a window when I am out and about. Yes, I am smaller than I was, but man, I still have so far to go. It's disheartening when I get on the scale and I see those numbers.

Yesterday at church, some commented on how great I was looking. It's the binder. I am going to buy a shaper I saw in a catalog I get in the mail. Yes, it's nearly 60 bucks, but it goes from the rib cage to just below mid thigh. I just wish it went to the ankles. I can probably squeeze down a full size with that sucker. It will be worth that alone.

After some thought, I told the Punk I'd buy clothes, and make a bonfire out of about 85% of what clothes I own. Oh, and this great leather jacket I saw in the catalog, black, sort of a biker style. I would also have some purple cowboy boots made, if need be, since so far I have not found what I really want online. I know it's kind of goofy, but I seriously want a pair of purple cowboy boots. I have pretty much decided that I will be buying a pair of tan ones, and dye them purple. There are several tutorials online on dying leather. Yeah, I've looked.

So, I guess I could be completely selfish with a nice chunk of cash. Yet, as usual, I know what I would really do. I'd pay bills. It sucks, I know, but the bills are just starting to roll in from the surgery and all. The insurance isn't going to pay much of it. I feel guilty for getting sick and adding to the bills. Buying new clothes is a very distant thing. I'll just buy a belt for now and deal.

It's fun to dream of spending like a millionaire. I don't do it often these days, though. It sucks too much when reality resurfaces. Even the Punk lost a bit of his bounce. He figures his daughter's college will get most of his bonus... Sad. I hope he still has enough for his wife and him to have some fun. He'll probably just add to the chicken coop.


+ Add a Comment

Be the first one to make a comment on this post.