How Did I Get Here, And Where Is The Next Turn?

Greetings and salutations to all who deem this worthy of your time...

Brought up Jan 17, 2013

No Comfort for the Weary...

Tomorrow is the day. Staples out, and that big question answered: Has it spread?

I am about 90% optimistic. the doctor said it was 80/20. 80% of all patients with my type of cancer are cured with the surgery alone. I am praying to be one of that 80%... If I'm not, it means chemo therapy or radiation treatment. I guess I can handle what ever comes my way, but to be honest, I am just so tired of all this. I want it over and done already.

Some things just don't seem to want to work out, some people determined to destroy what little bit of positive spirit I have left. It's crushing me. The one person I desperately need to support me seems determined to just pile more weight on my shoulders. The last thing I need is more stress on my body that is still healing. The nurse said some things could take as long as 3 months to be completely well. That news alone put a hell of a lot of worry in me. The doctor and the nurses have all said that I must take it easy as much as possible. That's impossible to do when others seem to refuse to see that even though I am feeling better, moving easier, I am not well, and some things are going to take time. I need the load lightened, not added to. But, its times like this you really learn where you stand in the lives of those around you. My friends are great, supporting as they can from afar. My kids are trying, in their own way. It's just really shitty when the ones you have given it all for turn around and seriously screw things up. Even worse when they see nothing wrong with their actions and blame you for things not being as they wish. I am stuck, very little I can do in the whole situation but grit my teeth and take it. To be honest, really honest, I am getting pretty damned tired of gritting my teeth, and my head aches from the whole damned thing.

So, tomorrow, I pray to hear those magic words, cancer free. I pray that those things the nurse mentioned are extreme cases, and I heal fast. I pray that someone somewhere will give me a damned job as soon as the doctor says I can work. It's time I was able to cover things myself, that I am in a position to take care of myself. Apparently, after all, it looks like I am the only one, in the end, that I will be able to rely on with out it feeling like someone is sorry for me, or giving me charity. I know. It sucks swamp water... the whole damned thing sucks... and there doesn't seem to be one damned thing I can say or do to make it better. I'm not really sure if there is a better. I'll just sit in my corner like a good little girl and wait. I'll stick around and be an emotional punching bag just like always. Funny how people seem to know just which buttons to push to trigger that reaction in me.

I know, it sounds like a pity party. Never mind me...

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cuz » 5 years ago

I am so sorry things are not going well in your life. I beleive tomorrow will be a new start when they say you are cancer free! Soon you will be able to take the walks again and that will make you feel better. The job part well maybe you will find something soon, maybe a really good job that you will love getting up and going to. Lord just grant her your wonderful peace in Jesus name!