How Did I Get Here, And Where Is The Next Turn?

Greetings and salutations to all who deem this worthy of your time...

Brought up Dec 25, 2012

December 25, 2012

Well, it is official: I now start the beginning of my 50th year on the planet. At the stroke of midnight, I left the 40s behind. 50. FIFTY. No matter how you write it, no matter what is said about it, it is still just a number.

I remember not that many years ago, it seems, thinking , man, 50 is friggin' old! No way I am ever gonna get to be that old.

Now, as I look at it from this side, it isn't so old at all. Sure there are days lately that I feel much older, but 50? Hey, it's no big deal. The sky didn't fall, I didn't suddenly grow warts or lose any appendages, and though I look a little rough this morning, it's more just me than actually, finally, being 50.

Christmas Eve was nice. The four of us went in two cars to midnight mass. It was really nice to sit between my kids in the pew, to sing with my whole heart some of the old classics of Christmas celebration, though neither of my two favorites. Seeing a few faces I haven't seen in a while was wonderful.

Our priest caught me and the husband as we were getting ready to leave. Our kids had left already, and we were winding down from all the catching up and visiting after the service. She wanted to give me a blessing and prayer for healing, as she will be out of town when my surgery happens. I admitted to her just how scared I am. I felt a little of that fear lift as I drove toward home.

Our boy called when we were about 5 miles from home and asked us to meet him at the local 24/7, 365 eatery, the Huddle House. He treated us all to what has become our family tradition of breakfast before or after church on Christmas Eve. It was sweet of him, but I was not in a social mood. Christmas is never overly happy for me. It's always been bittersweet in my adulthood. Never enough money this time of year to show everyone what they mean to me in a material way, usually a struggle just to keep bellies filled over the following weeks as the trucking industry does it's yearly slow down. With my surgery coming, it's going to be even harder this year. I hope the husband takes your advice, Connie. It will be hard enough.

Most of all, as always, this is the beginning of a melancholy day for me. I miss my Granny most on this day. I miss my Aunt Bobbie, and most of all, my dear Uncle Roy, gone 35 years this year. Dear God! At this moment, it feels like yesterday...

Okay, I'm better now. Christmas is when I feel their loss most keenly. The really sad thing is, I have now been on earth 10 years longer than my uncle lived. He had so much to offer the world with his boisterous, lively spirit, humor and gentle heart. Sometimes, I feel as if I am living my life as a shadow compared to the rest of my family, but him most of all. Well, at least until this past year.

I have actually seen one of the wonders of the world, one of the vast bodies of water of our planet. It was one of the most awe inspiring things I have ever seen, next to the two miracles I helped create and bring into the world.

I have discovered within myself, a strength I never knew existed. Courage I never believed I could possess. Most of all, I have been humbled by the kindness of my friends, family, and even those new folks who have wandered into my life this year.

The end of 2012 may mark the end of my 40s, and the beginning of what we young brats called 'really old,' but I feel like my life is just getting started. I take those I miss who left me too soon with me on this journey, in my heart. I only hope I do them proud. And for those who have chosen to join me on my road, no matter how they are now part of my life, thank you for that. A lot of my journey has been a little lonely at times, and I am grateful that you all have chosen to share what ever time you can, with me. I feel very blessed to have you along for the ride.

The ride will have a few bumps and hairpin turns over the next few weeks. I can only make it with a little help from you all, and if it is God's will. God Bless you all, and


Comments (2)

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wee woman » 5 years ago

We both had hard time with Christmas.... I tried to make sure I wished you a Happy Birthday...

I am proud that you are keeping spirits up.... you know I can bet butt kicking shoes on when I need to....

I love you girl.

the punk » 5 years ago

God bless you!! And Merry Christmas!