How Did I Get Here, And Where Is The Next Turn?

Greetings and salutations to all who deem this worthy of your time...

Brought up Dec 28, 2012

Phase One is a Go...

Well, the first step is over. Preop prep. Paperwork, blood work, EKG. So far, so good.

I have been in the hospital exactly three times. The first, I went home in my mother's arms. The other two, I took home my babies. Now, the organs that brought my babies into the world have to come out to save my life. I find it a bit ironic that the part of me that helped create, carry and bring forth life could be the source of my own demise if it isn't removed.

I had my wisdom teeth out in college, in the oral surgeon's office, and it's the only time I have ever been put to sleep. I have a desperate fear of not waking up. When I told the nurses I saw today this, one said, "Well, you won't know it if you don't." That freaked me out a little. Okay, it freaked me a lot.

Part of me wanted to tell them to shove their damned tests, shove their damned operation, and run like crazy out of the place. No wonder my BP was a little higher than usual.

I guess everything checked out okay. No one said anything about anything, anyway.

I am still a little scared, but I am finding some peace praying, and chanting to myself, I will come out just fine, if it is God's will. I can't for the life of me, literally, put all my fears aside, but I have to try.

I mentioned not wanting to see the students, or remember them being there. I don't know why, but, I just have this thing about being laid open like a dissected whale with all this brats younger than my kids watching. I was told to talk to the doctors on the day of the surgery. As if I will even be thinking straight enough to string two words together. Well, maybe. We'll see, I guess.

If it's God's will for me to make it and get on with the plans I have for my future, so be it. I can't see Him letting me go through the bullshit I have in my life, and not have some fun in my last years. Yet, there are people who go on to the next stage with out really living. Who am I to presume I am any more important or special? I will do what I am told, I guess, and like i said, we'll see what comes next.

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cuz » 5 years ago

Kandy you will be just finei, Im sure its only natural to have all the fears that you have but I have to beleive it is Gods will that you survive this so you can give him the praise and glory. What day is your surgery?