How Did I Get Here, And Where Is The Next Turn?

Greetings and salutations to all who deem this worthy of your time...

Brought up Mar 26, 2013

"Sometimes I Wonder... Who I Am, Do I Fit In..."

That should be a link to the Fame song, sung by Irene Cara... "Out Here On My Own."

I remember the first time I saw that movie as a young woman. 1980 is when it came out in the theaters, but I think I saw it a year or two later. Anyway, that song brought me to tears then, and just now. It's the first and last lines that always get me, but the rest hits a chord within as well.

I often wonder who I would have been if my father had not left my mom before I was even born, or had at least made an effort to be in my life. I wonder who I would have been if the abuse had not occurred. Would I still care if I saw someone in pain? Would I still want to reach out and try to comfort? Would I still be a bundle of insecurities and fears, or recognize them in others?

People say that our experiences make us who we are. If I had not known pain, loss, unloved at times, would I be some cold, heartless bitch? It's one of the things that can sometimes keep me up at night, wondering.

There are times I long for a time machine to go back and change things, but what? I think of all the things that I consider mistakes, mine, and those who were in charge of me before I could make my own decisions. Would I need to go back to that little girl's life and tell people that others were bad, and to stay away from them? How about going back and preventing my parents from getting married in the first place? Change one thing, and you change everything.

In the end, I guess, 'people' are right. I am the product of what came before this day. Everything that touched my life to this very moment, good and bad, has left it's imprint on who I am. I need to accept that there is no going back to change anything. I'm not thrilled with who I am at times, but I guess I could be much worse. And, I may not have always had control of what happened before, but I do now have most of the say in what happens in the next moments, hours, days and years of my life. I can choose to just go with the flow of least resistance, as I have before, or I can take charge.


I have others to consider, of course. It's not like I can chuck it all into what ever, and stomp off to 'find myself.' There are things I can do, though, that will harm no one, and help me discover who I am, and just where I fit in, if I want. I am not sure I want to 'fit in' much, though. I kind of like the idea of marching to my own tune. I have been, and still am trying to work that all out. And I am out here on my own with that. No one else can do it for me, though I am open to suggestions on which direction I should explore. Just remember, though, I am one stubborn old broad who will do it my way.

So, the title, and the song pretty much sums it up a bit.

"I may not win, but I can't be thrown..."


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