How Did I Get Here, And Where Is The Next Turn?

Greetings and salutations to all who deem this worthy of your time...

Brought up Mar 15, 2013

Ghosts, Demons, and PTSD

I have written before that I am a Facebook junkie. Anyone who happens to look at my page can see that I just love finding new pages and reposting things I find. Lately, I keep finding these sites that break my heart, have me in tears quite literally. It's because they all echo my own feelings so well. There are some pages out there where many are hiding behind a persona and in real pain. I know that all too well. I call it my masks, parts of me that are true, but not all of me.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder has been in the news a bit, I gather, due to it's increased appearance in our military boys and girls. I personally know one young man with it from all the BS he has been through with the military. So, when I see something about it, I usually read it. It freaked me out when, after a bit of reading, I discovered that it was not just something they had come up with to describe these kids' pain.

PTSD can be the diagnosis for ANY trauma one has experienced, ANY time, no matter how long ago the trauma happened. I was blown away when I started reading the symptoms, and seeing myself.

I am a survivor of abuse, some of the worst that can happen to a child at the hands of trusted adults and still be alive.But, it was years ago. Many years ago. It shouldn't be STILL affecting me, right?

For years, I have swept it under the rug, tried to ignore it because so many people say, it's the past, it's over, let it go. Easy for them to say. They haven't been through it. They have no idea how hard it is to 'act normal' when their brain is screaming how worthless you are, that you, and all around you, would be better off if you were dead. I figured it was some defect in me that caused me to be 'hanging on to it.'

There are some who think we survivors deliberately dwell on the past, as if we actually like some aspect of it. It royally pisses me off, now, when some asshole says, oh, you just want the attention, or that was so long ago, forget about it. SERIOUSLY? FUCK THAT!!

If it were that easy, don't you think I would forget it?

When someone says, oh, so n so is such a drama queen, it makes me wonder if so n so is being forced to hide something the way I was, and for the most part, still am. Trust me on this. No one LIKES the attention caused by their trauma. NO ONE. They may glory in other things that deflect their thoughts from it. I really don't know. I can only speak for myself. I wouldn't dare to begin trying to speak for anyone else.

Few people know I am a survivor, and of those that do know, very few know the extent of what I went through. In fact, only 3 people in this entire world know as much as I am willing to share with them. They know my true demons may be dead and gone, but the ghosts left behind still lurks around, just waiting to catch me vulnerable. When the ghosts hit, most times out of the blue, one of those 3 has helped talk me off the ledge, almost literally. I owe them my life, such as it is. I love them more than words can say for what they do for me. Two of them especially don't have to do it. I guess they love me, too, to do what they do, and stick around through what some would call my nonsense.

So, the next time you hear someone telling another to suck it up, the past is over, let it go, think about it. Really think. Maybe they can't let it go, because it won't let go of them. It won't let go until they find some kind of resolution. No one who has been abused in any form has asked for it, glories in the attention it brings, or deliberately dwells on it. I wonder about those who actually do seem to parade it around. A real survivor honestly can not comfortably do that. We try to hide it, and throw the attention onto something else.

Okay, I'll get off my soap box now...

Comments (3)

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weewoman » 5 years ago

through thick and thin

laughter and tears

I have always and always will call you friend

Connie » 5 years ago

Hi Kandy,

thank you for sharing with me. May your battles be victorious as you do battle with those demons. You are brave, strong and so full of love. You will forever win.

Hugs and love,

the punk » 5 years ago

We all needed to hear this... Hang in there, fight the demons..stay away from ledges happy..