How Did I Get Here, And Where Is The Next Turn?

Greetings and salutations to all who deem this worthy of your time...

Brought up Oct 28, 2012

The Beginning...

For those who are new here, and even those who have been following regularly, thanks. I realize that as I have been writing these, and yakking away, I haven't really explained this much. A few know the gory details, and I still won't be giving a lot of those for a while, if ever. I can, how ever give a bit of the beginning of this.

It all started about uhm, I guess three years ago this past June. I was diagnosed with high sugar...that nasty snake winding through my family jumped up and bit me. Diabetes. I had it coming from both sides of my family, so I expected it, but it still hit me hard. On top of it, I was told my actual weight. It was about 50 pounds more than I expected. I was numb. I went through the rest of the exam, dazed, then went home and cried.

For three months, I took the meds, and tried to do what the doctor said. Then, well, money, and a nice little thing called an 'existing condition' clause in the husband's new insurance at his new trucking company caused us to not afford my meds.

I decided to do it on my own for the year until the insurance would cover me. I gave up my 3-4 a day sodas, cut back on starchy food. It wasn't that hard, actually.

The thing is, I basically sleep walked through my 20s and 30s. I have struggled with depression most of my life. I was even told I probably was depressed as a child. I had a traumatic childhood... those omitted gory details best not told right now, if ever.

For about another six months after my wonderful discovery, I did little to change things. I realize now that I was slowly eating myself to death. I spent what I sometimes call my dark years just waiting for the end. I saw no reason to even try living. I was worthless, useless, and just a waste of space. It was my step father's voice in my head, over and over... and the man had been dead 22 years at that point. he's been dead 25 years, now, and sometimes, I still hear him, but most of the time, it's faint, and I can cut it off. I am worth something to me. That is what woke me up, discovering my own worth to myself.

I don't really know how it started. I just know that one day, I woke up.

It has been a slow process...

Then I discovered the internet.

February, 2011... I started talking with old friends, childhood pals, high school chums. I made a few new friends through them, and on my own, on this crazy box. I also started looking at different sites about health, weight loss, diabetes... you name it.

During that time, I was transportation challenged. No car meant either borrowing one of the kid's cars, bumming rides, or walking. At that point, I still got winded walking to the mail box and back. I started trying to push past that, going to get what I needed on foot.

On September 30, 2011, I got up and deliberately walked, for the first time in a long time, just to walk. I did the same thing the next day. And the next.

I have walked every day since.

Some days, it's just a few blocks if I'm busy, but most days now I am up to 2 miles a day. Some days are harder than others, but I still make myself walk. I always feel better afterward.

In the past 3 years, I have dropped 88 pounds. I am now actively trying to lose at least another 100 now.

I am finally awake...

At times, I seem to have regressed to the point where I went to sleep, feeling and, I guess acting a bit, like I am in my 20s. It's like my brain wants to live those years, since it didn't really live then...

Unfortunately, I am NOT in my 20s. I am facing 50...

You know what? Big deal!!! I am ALIVE!!! I am making up for those lost years. I am making the most, slowly, of the time I have left troding this path of life , and see nothing wrong with that at all...

And this coming week, I add another first: The Ocean... Let's see how that goes. The BFF and I leave Thursday morning early.


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