How Did I Get Here, And Where Is The Next Turn?

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Brought up Oct 10, 2012

My Favorite Time of Year

I love the fall. There is just something about this time of year that brings things into focus for me. I sleep better during these cool nights. I don't care much for the overcast days, but when the sun is shining, and and the temps are around 70 or a little lower, I seem to think more clearly, smile even when I don't feel my best. These days, it's even better.

I am looking forward to actually doing things this fall. Most of the past few years, I have sat back and watched the leaves change, watched all the prep for the holidays from a distance. Last year, for the first time in many years, I wanted to get involved, but at the last minute I stepped back into my old place. I just watched.

Maybe this year, with all the changes in me, I will actually do some things.

I love the smell of spiced cider, steaming up from a cup. I love carving pumpkins into jack'o lanterns. I want to do that this year. My kids and I did that once when they were small. Sad, the things I missed out on because of my depression.

Christmas trees stopped even being brought into the house, or decorated about 10 years ago. Some years, money was so tight, there were little or no presents. I feel like such an awful mother for that. My kids are not children anymore, and I missed out on so much because I was either watching from the side, or felt without money, I couldn't show them a nice holiday. Depression is one thing, my kids are used to that. No Christmas presents, no real holiday celebrating, did a real number on them. A lot of that is really my fault. I know I can never change the past, the things we missed, but, I think, this year will really be different.

So, as the temps slowly get a bit cooler, and the leaves are changing into their glorious colors before they fall away, for the first time in so many years, I look forward to all this time of year brings. Maybe, this year, I will do more than watch.

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