How Did I Get Here, And Where Is The Next Turn?

Greetings and salutations to all who deem this worthy of your time...

Brought up Sep 22, 2012

Never Giving Up...

There was a time in my life when I really felt I was nothing. No one saw the pain I was suffering, and those who suspected it, did nothing. I am a survivor of things that have broken the spirit of many in this world. I thought mine was broken. In the past year, I have learned it isn't. Bruised, battered, even maimed, but still intact. I have discovered that I am a fighter. A part of me was fighting when the rest was content to sit back and wait for the end, or help it along when possible. I buried myself in a shallow grave of self hatred, shame, and loneliness. I deliberately cut myself off from those who would have helped, hoping and praying that the end would come soon. I believed the lies I was fed, that I was nothing, worthless, a waste of good air and space. I thought i was just too much of a coward to actually end it all myself. So, I ate. I became self destructive. I yearned for the pain to just go away.

One day, I saw a light through the dirt I had pulled over that shallow grave. The dirt continued to shift, and I realized, someone was digging. I started to dig from my end. We met at the surface, and I saw who was there. Me. True, my best girlfriend in the world was there beside me with a shovel and a shot gun for any who tried to stop us, but in the end I had to do the digging myself. We all do to really survive, and blossom into what we are meant to be. No one else can do it, because no one else knows what is really inside us worth fighting for.

I have some wonderful friends who were there in those dark days, some returning to my life, again, armed for bear, and not afraid to show it. They refuse to let me crawl back into that grave that still whispers sometimes. I have never felt so blessed, ever, in my life. The biggest thing in all of it, though, has been the fact that no matter how hard I tried to quiet the fighter in me, She never gave up. I am worth something in this world. The fighter in me keeps telling me that. Does yours? Every living being has a tiny spark inside. Call it spirit, soul, or the fighter within. That spark must never be allowed to blink out before God chooses to reclaim it. Listen to it. That tiny voice behind all the lies is so more important in this world. Stay strong. Tell the lying voice to get lost. Bring out that small fighter. It's worth it, because you are worth it. So am I.

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punk » 5 years ago

Your fight has inspired others and will inspire more. I am proud to be your friend. Fight on!