How Did I Get Here, And Where Is The Next Turn?

Greetings and salutations to all who deem this worthy of your time...

Brought up Dec 2, 2012

25 Years...

Tomorrow is the 25th anniversary of one of the greatest things that ever happened to me. My son was born. He has been a gift, a curse, and most of all, through all the struggle, a source of love and support.

it breaks my heart that, once again, I have let him down. Once again, because of things beyond my control, I have no gift for him. I have no monetary means of showing him how truly precious he is to me. The sad thing is, he's used to it.

Every year, at this time, for some reason, something goes wrong. This year, what I spent on going to the doctor, and my first prescription in the battle ahead could have at least gotten him something. Not what he had asked for months ago, of course. That was taken care of by first no check and then two lousy checks for this month.

I know, it makes no sense to me either, but I swear, it really does happen. No matter how good the company is, or how great the checks start out, eventually, things start to go down hill, and usually around this time of year. Now, with some, it picks up, and then the husband starts to get lax, or screws up, and is let go. Other times, the company seriously has been in trouble, and he has left one step from the doors being shut.

I don't get why this happens. It's a pattern that has lead to Christmases with no presents at all, to birthdays with little or nothing, even weeks where I learned to be creative with ramen noodles, macaroni, cheese, hamburger, hot dogs, and eggs with very little money. There have been times I have fed the three of us on 40 bucks, two meals a day with the kids eating lunch at school.

For 25 years, it has been either feast or famine, as far as my boy can remember, anyway. He doesn't remember the beginning.

My husband was in the service. I had such hopes for our children because of this. I hoped we would all see the world, as his father promised when we married. I had hoped to go back to school, finish my degree. Those hopes were dashed due to forces beyond my control. The government at that time used creative ways to get whittle down the military population. I think it did something to my husband's self image, because nothing has ever quite been the same with him. I had hoped for so much more than this for our family in 25 years.

I love my boy more than my own life, and his sister. I can't help but feel like no matter what, I always let them down.

Comments (2)

+ Add a Comment

Anonymous » 5 years ago

Phones a piece but you got what i said im sure

Anonymous » 5 years ago

No you dont i may not have had alot of things growing up but i have alot more then others an i have always had a family that loves me. Thats all that matters and it taught me to earn it if i wanted it, and you respect it more...all i ever needed i got it. Me growing up the way i did made me realize that you should never take anything for granted cuz the next day you might not have it. Its made me a better person...look at the ppl i used hangout with and where they are. i may not be doing the things i wanted to do when i was 5 but im still here. Just nothe this no matteryou what happensi I will always love you