How Did I Get Here, And Where Is The Next Turn?

Greetings and salutations to all who deem this worthy of your time...

Brought up Nov 27, 2012

The Monster Inside

Thanks WW for verbally kicking my ass. I needed that. Everyone else, thanks for your kind words and encouragement. Somehow, I don't feel I deserve them, but, as the Punk constantly tells me, it isn't about deserving. So thank you.

I feel like I am becoming a monster. I don't recognize this person. I have been so horrendously awful to people, snapping at everyone. The boy is going to the limits to be cheerful, and it's bugging the hell out of me. I wish he would yell and break something. I want the 'normal,' what I'm used to, back.

My daughter informed me last night that her boss was going to let her put in for her paid vacation time when we have a date for my surgery. She said she is not going to leave me alone at the hospital. She had wanted to surprise me with that news, but told me last night while I was on the phone, and being nasty, with the BFF. WW, I am so sorry if I was as awful as my mind says I was.

I was snappy with the Punk. Down right hateful. He has no idea how bad I really was, though. The beauty of the time with the Punk is the backspace button. He has no idea what I delete...

I was terrible to the husband, snapping, angry. He yelled at me, but I deserved it. In fact, it made me feel a little better. More of the 'normal.'

I think it's the 'walking on egg shells' thing that is freaking me out more than anything. And the waiting.

I am one of those who wants things done yesterday. I hate waiting for anything. All of this, and the holidays coming, has me stressed to what feels like the breaking point. I feel like I'm made of glass, and one more bit of bad news will shatter me into a million shards.

I am not sleeping well at all. And, what's worse, though I am tired and could use it, I can't even nap during the day. I did finally collapse Sunday afternoon, and slept two hours, but I woke with a headache that hasn't really gone away. At night, I am waking about every 2 or 3 hours. I'm not resting much at all.

I'm not usually this high strung. Like I said, I don't recognize this person at all. Maybe if I could really sob it out, cry it out, I might feel better, but a few tears, and it all dries up. At night, I shed a few, and promptly go to sleep. Then wake over and over.

I figured out on my walk part of the problem this morning. It's that word. Cancer. It has always frightened me, since I was a teen, and saw my step father's mother die of it. That was my first encounter with that word. This tough, hard woman, who was never very nice to me, was suddenly all smiles when she saw me. She was nice to me. That scared me more than anything. That change in her. I never really have gotten over all that happened that year. It was a year of too many changes and too much death. I have always equated Cancer with death.

Dying doesn't scare me. It's not having done the things I want, or maybe what ever I was put on the planet for, that scares me and makes me angry. This Cancer will not be what ends me, but it is a wake up call to get my ass in gear and get busy doing what I am supposed to do. I wish I knew what that is.

I am working now to try and just put all the crap away from me, but I can't. It's inside me. Cancer. It's there, inside my body. I want it out. I want it out yesterday. All this waiting is driving me insane. 3 days, and I meet the guy who will get rid of it. He will be like a god to me if he gets rid of this monster growing inside me. I pray the surgery will do that, but I sometimes wonder if Cancer is the real monster, or if it really is, finally, the real me. Maybe that is what frightens me about all this...

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