How Did I Get Here, And Where Is The Next Turn?

Greetings and salutations to all who deem this worthy of your time...

Brought up Dec 1, 2012

Ah, The Return to Sanity... Maybe

I haven't written as much this week as I would have like, well, because most of this week I felt like a crazy woman on the edge. Thankfully, after this evening, I think I am backing away from that edge.

I met my cancer surgeon. The guy is okay, but does not have my gyno's sense of humor, or to be more accurate, his getting my humor. The few jokes I cracked got blank looks from him, and his student. Yep, I get to be a lab rat on display for med students when they do my surgery. Not sure how I like that idea... Actually...

Here was what went through my mind... Nah, I am trying to cut down on the profanity.

I get that he is a teacher. I get that he is the only one board certified in the area to do this surgery in his particular way, and folks have to learn from him. But man!!!! Those had better be damned good drugs, and knock me out so there is no chance I will remember those little faces!!! Hell, I have shoes older than the kid with him tonight!!

The worst thing about it all, besides his trying to scratch my brain from the other freaking end, is that he has ordered me to quit smoking immediately. He said, now, not the day before the surgery. With my weight and other issues, the smoking can drastically lower my chances of surviving the surgery. He scared me with that. I have smoked my last one.

The problem with that is that now one more pleasure has been taken from me. What the hell do I have now? I can't eat what I REALLY want. Now, no more cigs. My car is going to kick if it doesn't get fixed very soon. No more fast driving. No one around here will help me with that until it finally breaks down say, on the trip home from freaking surgery, in the dead of winter!!! Even I know it is cheaper to fix it before it breaks down completely and causes more damage. Tell the big macho men in my family that. Jackasses... I live with jackasses when it comes to money and fixing things.

I so need a job and money of my own to deal with some of these things when the truck, for what ever b s reason, isn't running enough to cover the bills. After all this cancer b s is over, and the doctor releases me, I will do something. I can't stand this crap any longer. The stress, the weight, the doctor all but came right out and said it to my face. Those things contributed to my growing this cancer in my body. There will have to be some major changes in my life after this...

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