How Did I Get Here, And Where Is The Next Turn?

Greetings and salutations to all who deem this worthy of your time...

Brought up Nov 23, 2012

The Abyss Calls...

I woke up this morning to find the demons I try to keep firmly locked away had cracked open the abyss. I feel their pull daily, but most days I can shut out their whispers. Today was not one of those days, and has barely started.

I woke to the sound of rain. Damn. My umbrella is shot; I need a larger one anyway, preferably with a nice big Bama theme to it. So, I would either get wet, or put the walk off until the rain stopped. I struggled out of bed, pattered to the bathroom, snarled at the mirror as I passed it, seriously thinking of going back to bed. Instead, I stumbled into the living room to find four pairs of purple fluffy socks sitting in a Wally World bag on my computer. Man, do I have a very sweet boy most days. How he knew I would need a small pick me up is beyond me. I smiled, put them in my room. I opened this thing up and played around with the games for a few minutes. Smoked a cigarette.

I decided to call the number to see how much was on the debit card, planning to pay the remainder of the phone bill, then get my walk in before heading to make my car payment. The card holds almost exactly 1/3 of what I needed to pay said bills, much less gas and food for the coming week. Damn, damn, damn.

I called the husband. It was sort of hard to hear him over the rumbling in my head. The whispers were just above conversation level at this point. Not enough runs, he said. Would make the calls and arrange to pay next week. Sure, okay. There goes that tiny glimmer of an actual Christmas... And I was supposed to make a payment on my lay away at Kmart today. Fab... IDK how they handle late payments...

The voices by this point have become loud enough to be heard across a football stadium. Purple fuzzy socks, and the love behind them, just are not keeping them at bay.

I went for my walk. Only about a mile, and the last half, I thought I would go deaf. The abyss is spewing out all the demons...

Ah, my old friends... I haven't missed your pull at all. So, go ahead, say your piece.

(You have cancer) Yeah, tell me something I don't know, pal.

(It's building away inside you. It could kill you) I'll have the surgery and be just fine. I'll live another 20-30 years.

(Sure... 20-30 years of this same old bullshit. Never enough money to keep the bills paid, and forget about ever having Christmas presents for people, or another trip to the gulf someday. You are stuck. Screwed. Why not just let the cancer go on. It isn't suicide to die that way, and it would all finally stop) I don't want to die. There are so many things I want to do still.

(You won't. You will sit on your fat ass and do nothing.) What do you call right now? I'm still walking. I am still trying.

(You keep yoyoing with those 5 pounds, not losing. You are stuck. Just let the Big C deal with it all. It will finally end. Your kids will be just fine, and no one's gonna miss you much or really give a shit anyway) Shut up. I will have the surgery. I will lose this weight. I will do the things I want.

(Laughter. Sure you will. You can't even pay the bills now. Let's see how you handle all those nice little things the insurance doesn't pay. And speaking of that surgery. Why? Why put yourself through that? You who are such a big baby when it comes to pain. Whining about induced labor with the kids and no pain killers. How are you going to deal with having that same organ now ripped out? Letting someone actually hurt you like that? Worse, paying them to actually do that to you. Wracking up that many more bills. And what if it has spread? There we go... radiation. No hair. sick, pain... for what? 10, 20 years of this same shit? Is it really worth it, Kandy, ole girl?)

By this point, I was home. I grabbed my wallet and car keys and drove to McD's for a quick breakfast. I sat in the short line, wiping tears, trying to keep it all together. Maybe the voices are right this time. I have always been pretty much useless. I kept wiping the tears, looking in the rear view mirror, and hating those red eyes staring back at me. That weak, whining, worthless bitch. It made me angry just looking at her.

A lady in one of those new Fords, you know, the kind that sort of looks like a station wagon on steroids, came in one of the other entrances. That always ticks me off because it's sort of butting in line. I was in no hurry, crying and trying not to. I let her go in front of me. Hey, there was no one behind me, and I was juggling what to get with what I could afford to spend. I thought nothing more of the other vehicle. I got up to the ordering spot, and splurged on a large coffee with my usual. Screw it. I gotta eat, and I need coffee to help tamp down the demons and close the abyss again.

I scrounged around for 4 pennies so I wouldn't have to deal with more change. when I got to the window to pay, sweet little Cokie was working it. I held out the four pennies, and that last precious 10 bucks cash I had, the tears almost dry. She told me, the lady in front of me paid for mine. I didn't understand what she said. She said, the lady in that white Ford thing said she was paying for that nice lady who let her go in front of her. I burst into fresh tears. Cokie said, it's going to be okay. I'd give you a hug if I wasn't stuck in here. I reached out and briefly squeezed her hand.

I wiped at my eyes, got my breakfast and coffee, and drove home. In the driveway, I put the car in park, turned it off, and sobbed.

The voices still speak slightly above their whispers, but I am, once again, tamping those demons back into their dark place where they always lurk. It isn't easy, fighting them. I can not let them take over again. I can not let them draw me back into the abyss where I barely existed for so many years. I have to fight. The kindness of a stranger, and these fluffy purple socks are helping, but it's so hard to keep fighting.

Comments (3)

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wee woman » 5 years ago

I HATE IT WHEN YOU DO THIS.... You are a strong woman and you are letting that F$#%* bastard do this to you... YOU.....yes YOU decided to get off you "fat ass" and do something, YOU took that first step ALONE. YOU decided to go to the doctor (that I assured you you wouldn't have done 3 yrs ago). You are making mountains woman.... don't make me kick you in your lady parts...after beating your ass... YOU WILL DO THIS....for me.... I have already told you I can't lose another person right now... Don't ask me to weep over you ..... IF you just give up... I cant do it

Holly » 5 years ago

Keep walking, keep praying, keep refusing to listen to them, but don't push them down --- send them away, far away. Some prayer techniques recommend seeing yourself surrounded by the loving, protective light of God. See if that helps. And don't forget how many people care about you.

Becky » 5 years ago

You are a strong person Kandy dont listen to those deamons! You tell them in Jesus name to GET OUT and they have to go! You have been thru battles that were harder to fight than this and you came out a winner and you will WIN this time also. Just think when all that other stuff is out you will have more room for Gods Love. Hold your head up high and keep on trucking! As for Christmas it has gotten way out of hand with us thinking we have to spend lots of money it's Jesus's Birthday if we can just show love to others (hugs, kind words) that is what its all about. Love you cuz.