How Did I Get Here, And Where Is The Next Turn?

Greetings and salutations to all who deem this worthy of your time...

Brought up Nov 25, 2012

And You Stand...

This weekend has been quiet. I've enjoyed the peace after my freak out. It happens, not as often as it once did, but I have a lot on my mind.

I've spent my time reading The Good Earth by Pearl S. Buck, playing around with games and vegging.

Church today was nice. For once, I didn't have to chew bubblegum the entire service, but it was close. It's not that the sermons are boring, rarely ever, but that I have just been worn out. The past couple of weeks have been the worst, what with waking about every 2 or 3 hours, and struggling to just go to sleep in the first place. I'm not one to cry myself to sleep often, but these are not common times for me.

I was fine until communion.

I saw my dear friend whose fight is going to be so much tougher than mine. We may cross paths as he and I will be going to the same treatment center. If mine turns out to be more than surgery, the idea of him there, too, is comforting.

I spoke with a few other folks before service, was up beat, cheerful. The service began, and I followed it, chuckling with everyone else in the right spots.

I nearly bounced up for communion. I was feeling great. Got my bread, and sip of the wine I just love, and went back to my seat. As I knelt to pray, I looked at the little fellow in his mom's arms in front of me. He's all chubby and bald, and I kept thinking how beautiful he is, how handsome he will be when he finally has hair, and teeth, walking, talking, growing. And then the thought crossed my mind, and became my prayer. Please Lord, let this be nothing more than surgery, and let me watch this little guy grow to a young man. For those seconds, the fear rushed over me, tears I could not blink away.

I tamped it down, shoved it away. After some furious blinking, and even more carefully wiping, so as not to look like a raccoon, I got it together. It took longer to write about than it happened.

I went to run an errand while I was in the town, bought my notebook for questions and such with the doctor, and a folder to keep up with what ever papers I may have in the coming weeks and then headed home. Snarling at the Christmas music on the radio, I pushed the CD player button, expecting Boston to come blaring from the speakers. Then I remembered. Damn it!! The girl had switched the CD and had my Boston accidentally in her car. Her Rascal Flatts CD was in my player. I scowled at it, but didn't want to slow down to scrounge for another one, so I popped it back in. I don't usually do much country music, but that first song, I kept repeating over and over on the way home, and singing along. Sort of an addition to my arsenal.

I am going to be better than ever...

I will Stand...


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