How Did I Get Here, And Where Is The Next Turn?

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Brought up Jul 3, 2012

The Things We Wish We Could Say

At an early age, I learned to edit myself. Sometimes, I had to keep secrets, and sometimes because it was just polite not to say what I was thinking. These days, I keep very few secrets, though many times I say, "It's not mine to tell," if it's someone else's secret. I still edit, how ever, to be polite or to keep from saying things that might not go over very well. There are times I wish I could just blurt out what I really think to some people, but I am just not made that way.

Last night, I spent part of the evening at the hospital. My best friend's mom has been going through chemo for a fairly rare form of lung cancer, a lady who never smoked. She has done so well, and only has 3 treatments remaining. We thought the worst was over, but it isn't. She has now started losing her hair, which we expected much sooner. Now she has developed pnemonia and a kidney infection. She lost her husband of almost 50 years last year through long term asbestos exposure. To be honest, when she was diagnosed, we expected her to give up to be with him, but she has surprised us all with her fight. Now this. As I was leaving, I asked if there was anything she needed, as I am going back tomorrow. I realized, what I was saying was not what I really wanted to say. I really wanted to say, "I feel so helpless. Is there anything I can do to help? Oh, God, please don't leave us now. I know your kids need you, but so do I. Please stay just a little bit longer."As my friend walked me to my car, we hugged and said "I love you" to each other, something we have learned to do in the past few years with out being self conscious. But, it was not all I wanted to say. "I hate you are going through this. I love your mom like my own. I wish I could take your pain away. Oh, God, we've both been through so much this past year. Please, please don't leave me to drive an hour by my self with all this." She had to stay, and though I was dry eyed, unlike now, my heart was breaking. I could never really share that with her; it's just too raw.

This morning, as I walked, I thought of the things I have not said over the years, and on a daily basis. There are those things that would have made things different, made me a different person, maybe, but I said something else. Things like, "Oh, it's ok," when I was thinking, "No, damnit, get your sorry ass out of my sight." There are times I have kept my mouth shut, when all I wanted to do was yell, "Leave me the hell alone," or, "Back off." When I say, "What ever," it's to keep from saying an entire list of things, depending on the situation. It might actually mean, "My life's to short to keep trying to get my point across," "Just let it go already." or "You're being an asshole. Cut it out."

I smile, I bite my tongue literally sometimes, but remember, there is always a second conversation going on in my head where I may be calling the other person every vile name I can remember or create. Or, I might be saying, "I love you so. Please, stay just a little longer in my life."


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