How Did I Get Here, And Where Is The Next Turn?

Greetings and salutations to all who deem this worthy of your time...

Brought up Aug 29, 2012


What started out, in my head, as just a 'throw away' blog, filling the time, has started something I didn't intend. Not sure how I am going to handle it. (Pun intended)

My hands have probably been the only feminine appearing part of me at times, through most of my adult life. There is a reason for that, one I am not very comfortable going into on here. Not yet. Let's just say that I have had my reasons for shunning as much of the 'girly' things as I could get away with. Today, yammering on as I do with the Punk most days, I saw for the first time, maybe, what is really happening to me.

One of the great things about the Punk (and there are many. Just ask him! JK, Punk!) is that he DOES let me yammer on all the time. It's not like he has much choice. I tend to run on at the keyboard about as much as I do at the mouth, as many who know me know. Plus, the Punk is actually WORKING, and there are long silences from his end quite frequently, which gives me time to think.

With the weight loss, I am losing as well some of the baggage that has caused the blubber to accumulate in the first place. My hands were one of the first places I noticed the change.(I have been wearing my wedding ring on my middle finger for a while now.) It's a process that has been happening for a few years now, but chattering with the Punk has just sped up things a bit.

Now, the BFF will tell you, as she has me repeatedly when I tell her some little something I've discovered, that she has been saying the same things the Punk says for years. Yes, she has. She actually seemed a bit miffed at what she saw as the Punk doing what she had been trying to do: bring me out of the hole I was hiding in. I tried to explain, and I'm not sure she got it, so here I will try to explain it, again. The Punk isn't doing anything. I am. BFF has bolstered me, kicked my ass, listened, advised, and sometimes tried to drag me kicking and screaming out of that hole. What she hasn't realized is, I have to climb out of the hole myself. She has thrown ropes and ladders and even hung over the edge trying to grab me by the hair and yank me out for years. But, see, I had to want to climb those ladders and ropes. I had to reach up and grab her hand. All the Punk has done is help me see that it had to be, in his words, my 'choice.' All he has done is give me the courage to really listen to myself, to see what I was doing to myself. I have been allowing those internal negative voices to keep digging. All he has done, really, is just listened while I finally listened to myself.

The hole? Well, the hole is made up of self loathing, regrets, past misdeeds, (perceived and real) and the past in general, mainly the lousy parts of my childhood. It isn't a pretty hole, and I don't understand sometimes why it has taken me so long to see just how dark and rotten it really is. The BFF has always been shining a light down, trying to coax me out. I love her for that. The Punk has helped focus that light. I love him, too, for that. Both are friends who are also family of my heart.

Part of the hole, as well, has been my hiding from my true self. I have done a lot of things trying to hide what I truly am. I am a woman who was once a sad, frightened girl who started digging the hole, and crawled into it hoping the sides would cave in and close the hole over her head. I am still a little scared of what might be found outside the hole, but I grow more sure every day that I can handle and embrace it.

I hate to admit it, but part of me has just been looking for an excuse to come roaring out, with Helen Reddy blasting around these days. That part has finally seen the light at the top of the hole, and is looking forward to wearing the damned dress if it ever shows up. To the BFF, thanks, doll, for giving me that excuse. (The Alabama T that I ordered the same day, after the dress, mind you, arrived today. What does that say for those who sell women's clothes as opposed to those who sell football fan stuff?) I don't plan to start having high tea, or even give up my sneakers. I just plan to add a few dresses, other shoes, and 'girly' junk into the mix. Hey, I may be a woman, but I am still just me.

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Connie » 5 years ago

Good for you!!!!!!!!! High Five!!!!!! I'll need a picture of you in that dress.