How Did I Get Here, And Where Is The Next Turn?

Greetings and salutations to all who deem this worthy of your time...

Brought up Mar 31, 2012

Thoughts...

First, thanks, ladies!! It means so much to hear from you all.

Day 3 of my second walk of the day... My morning walks are fast paced... well as fast as I can get without tripping over my feet or a crack in the pavement... and yesssss... it does happen. I always thought my balance and/or coordination would improve if I lost some of the ballist... so far, nada. I still can't walk, or drive according to my girl kid, and chew gum at the same time. (I only bit myself twice Tuesday while driving her to the ortho, thankyou very much!!)

My second walks of the day are more leisurely paced, less planned. Today's was earlier than the others, and further. I went to buy gum. No music, only my thoughts... a very long walk indeed.

My thoughts have been occupied by so many things, but today they were centered on something that has been woven throught the entire past year... who is a person really? How much of what we see is real, and how much what they think others expect? How much of ourselves do we really hide? Does everyone hide something? And most of all, why? Why hide anything, if we do?

I can only answer for myself. I know I hide parts of myself that I personally dislike, and precieve others do as well. there are parts of my personality that are a bit exagerated at times to compensate for the hidden. For some reason, I figured everyone did that. But I guess not everyone was forced at an early age to learn how to hide. I am an expert at it... could teach the class, write the book, sell the movie rights... Over the past year, there has been a thought that keeps me up at night... If I push aside the clown, the crybaby, the semi-intellectual... what will I find I have been hiding all these years? And exactly from whom? I know what I think I hide, some of it anyway. I hide a vicious temper few besides my kids and husband have seen. The raging banshee who could do serious damage if unleashed. I know I am much more fragile and vulnerable than most have seen. That part has come to focus twice at least in my life, times where the abyss yawned and threatened to not just swallow me, but wrap around me where there was no way back. I know I hide most of the passionate, sensual side of myself as well... you spend your formative years the way I did, you'd hide that from others, and yourself, too.

Someone once said that people are like onions... layered. Maybe. My biggest fear, and the real reason I lose sleep sometimes? What if I peel away those layers of myself... and it's really hollow inside? What if there is nothing behind it all after all?

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