How Did I Get Here, And Where Is The Next Turn?

Greetings and salutations to all who deem this worthy of your time...

Brought up Mar 9, 2012

Feelings...

I am a hypersensitive person. I love fiercely, completely, my friends, my family. That, however leaves me open to the worst pains imaginable. I truly believe I'd rather someone hit me, because that pain fades and mends faster. I open my heart wide, freely to those I love. When that is ignored, or worse stomped all over, a little piece of my heart dies. I wonder sometimes if all of it might die someday.

I think it stems back to my father. He was 21 when I was born, and not ready to be a father. He never wanted me. Years later, though I was living with him and his other family, it was always 'his family' not 'our family.' When things reached a point where I could stand no more, and moved out, he turned his back on me. We spoke a few times over the years, but never really reconciled. When he died a couple of years ago, no one told me until the day after his funeral, and I wan't mentioned in his obituary.That kind of rejection seriously tears the soul. It leaves a maimed, damaged thing that you spend the rest of your life trying to repair.

Some turn to abuse, others become cold and calluse to those around them. I turned to food for a while. But the hypersensitivity of emotions has done the worst damage. I care deeply, completely when I care at all. In the past, I have had people use that for their own selfish gains, and then toss me aside. Family, friends, and those whom I thought were friends. The rejection, no matter how slight or even unintended is like daggers in my heart. And another little piece of it dies.

I wish I could shut that part of me off. Life would be so much easier if I could be just as cold and unfeeling as others I know. Heaven knows, I wouldn't be where I am now. But then, I wouldn't be me. I guess it's just a price I have to pay. I just wonder sometimes if it will be worth it in the end.

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