How Did I Get Here, And Where Is The Next Turn?

Greetings and salutations to all who deem this worthy of your time...

Brought up Jun 6, 2012


I am a very weak willed individual with the will power of a gnat. I am also a hyper emotional chick with a lot of irons in the fire these days. So, I've decided, it's about picking my battles and fighting on at a time. The most obvious one is the weight. I have come too damned far, and have too damned far to go, to give up on that one just yet. So on that note, I bought a pack of cigarettes last night.

When my emotions have gotten the best of me before, I ate them. When I started really smoking, not just social smoking, that was also a way of dealing with them as well. The two became my main coping tools. It was foolish of me at this point in my journey to try and let go of both my crutches and try standing. I fell on my face quite spectacularly.

So, last night, after bumming my kid's last cig, I decided to walk to the local store to buy him more, and try to clear my head. It didn't work, and I bought 2 packs, one for him, and one for me.

I feel awful. I let down my friends who have tried to help me. I have especially let myself down. I guess I am just not ready to face my demons on my own. 40+ years of demons can not be slain by gritting my teeth and sticking out my chin all alone. I hope my friends don't give up on me. I'm not giving up on me. It's just going to have to take more time than I wanted to take. I want it done yesterday, and it just doesn't work like that. But, God, do I feel awful...


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