How Did I Get Here, And Where Is The Next Turn?

Greetings and salutations to all who deem this worthy of your time...

Brought up Jun 10, 2012

Some Times, You Have to Get Lost...

I'm back, in more ways than one. I've spent this past week in a state of high anxiety. I felt lost, that something valuable in me was gone. I thought it was the disagreement I had with my friend, but this morning on my walk, I realized it had actually started a bit earlier. I was trying to deal with it, and had no idea how to do that. I also thought it had to with some health issues that may or may not be something big. I realized it was a part of it, but not the core of the problem. I was beginning to think I was losing my mind, on the verge of a stroke, or a heart attack. The fight or flight thing, adrenaline pumping, was a constant from the moment I woke until my brain finally shut down at night. It was a silly, stupid thing really that set it off, but until I really zeroed in on it, I saw the anxiety spiraling way out of control. And control is one thing I value above all. Please don't laugh. If one has read my previous entries, one might get a slight glimpse of why the problem was a problem in the first place.

I was hit on by a strange man at the laundry mat as I folded clothes. This man flirted so outrageously, I laughed in his face. The things he said would probably flatter most women my age, size and situation, but it actually sent me into a bit of a tailspin. I texted my two best friends about it, joking. It was no joke, however. The man meant nothing wrong, I'm sure, and probably thought he was giving me a little ego boost. It did for a small fraction of time. Part of me felt he was even making fun of me. It brought out some things I struggle with daily.

The thing is, I sometimes think being female has been the real bane of my existance. Many things that have happened in my life would not have were I a man. Even the disagreement with my friend.

Rosanne Barr tackled a bit of the issue once on her sit com many years ago. It stuck with me for the very reason that I saw myself, and my own struggle, my own past. On the show, she was heavy, and lost a good deal of weight. I saw her on a talk show, and she elaborated, in detail, on the true story, and I wept. A woman who has been abused will often gain weight. For some reason, it's like the body forms a barrier of unconscious protection, an apron of flesh shielding the offending source, in her mind, from sight. When such things are not dealt with somehow, it can really mess a woman up when changes occur.

This morning, I searched for a way to deal with my anxiety on my own. I was not fit for human contact. I went to my favorite thinking place, and it was no comfort at all. I drove to the nearby lake. I put on my CD of classical piano pieces, and watched the water, imagining its endless flow. It helped a bit, but would have been better had the park's cleaning staff been less rambunctious. So I drove. I must have hit the previous button 10 times, replaying the Debussy piece. I now have a real love for Clair de Lune... As I drove, I tried to empty my thoughts. Didn't work. I prayed. No, not much help. Finally, I let my mind do what it pleased, and really paid attention to where it went. I turned into our local military park. I was lost on those winding paved paths, but just let the car go where it would, making deliberate right turns instead of my usual left. I had realized at the lake that I wanted more than anything to just be completely alone to work things out. I was looking for the serenity I normally get at church, but without the distractions of having to deal with people. The further I let myself get lost, physically, the more I came to myself again. I realized, short of a labodomy and a sex change, I was pretty much stuck. I actually laughed at that, and it didn't sound forced or hysterical to my ears anymore. I realized, if I want others to accept me as just me, I have to accept the things, all of them, that make me me. And being a woman, good, bad or indifferent, is one of those things. It isn't anywhere all of me, by any stretch of the imagination, but it is a part I have to learn to deal with.

I always look for signs that my prayers are being answered. One of my friends finds his in scripture, another in things that happen around her. I find mine in music.

I switched off the CD, let the radio play, and got my answer... Three songs in a row, all speaking to me. I listened to the lyrics. I laughed, smiled, and realized, I was not lost after all. The songs? Right Now by Van Halen, Golden Years by David Rowie, and I won't Back Down by Tom Petty. I know, I'm weird, so why wouldn't God talk to me on my level?

So, I am back. I'm going to be okay, come what may on this journey of mine.


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