How Did I Get Here, And Where Is The Next Turn?

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Brought up Jun 8, 2012

Fears, Truths, and the Big Picture

The past few months, I've been dealing with so many things. Remember when you were a kid and you thought your parents were almost God? They knew absolutely everything, could do anything. As a teen, you decided they were idiots. You knew more than they did, right? When you became an adult, you discovered that even if they didn't know everything, they were much wiser than you could imagine. if you're a parent, you pay for that. Suddenly, you are the idiot with teens who think they know more than you. Jf you happen to be me, maybe they do. I do know something, though, that my kids will have to figure out on their own, at their on pace, just like I did. I learned today that I was letting my fears eat me alive.

Some of my worries have lessened, so far, thanks to the new job my husband has. The problem is, as those worries have diminished, the others have grown.

I've been burying some fears, keeping them bottled up, thinking I was protecting everyone. The more they grew, the more I clammed up, letting them fester. I mentioned bits and pieces to folks, but for the most part, I was refusing to face them. They grew, and began to tick. This week, the fears turned to anger, hatred for myself, for some things that happened in my past, and the likelyhood they may rob me of my future. It boiled over,exploding and hurting the easiest target, one in whom I normally spill my guts to on a regular basis. After explaining what was REALLY going on, the target has tentatively forgiven me, I think, but the damage is done. I don't know if it will ever be the same again, and it saddens me. I can't believe how awful I was, and I don't know if I can ever forgive myself for my actions. It has me in a state I haven't seen in a very long time, feeling so desolate and alone, it's a physical ache in me.

I had a talk with my husband tonight, and for once, his nonchalance about it all actually helped for once. His attitude was like my friend's: there is no reason for me to be so worried until I know there is a concrete reason for it. Yes, something is wrong, but we will deal with it when we learn for sure what it is. I only wish I could rewind the week, remembering this feeling, so I never have to feel it again, and I never allow myself to injure one of the best friendships I have ever had in my life. I have no idea what the big picture will turn out to be, but I learned a lot about myself today. I am only human, damaged, tattered, and when feeling threatened, especially by forces I have no control over, vicious as a wounded tiger.

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