How Did I Get Here, And Where Is The Next Turn?

Greetings and salutations to all who deem this worthy of your time...

Brought up Feb 28, 2012

Inside Out

In one of my favorite movies, one of the main characters talks about being empty inside. She is this beautiful creature whom others fawn over, but she wonders if that is all she is, what others see, with nothing inside. In another movie, one of the characters says that the outside reflects his madness, ugliness inside. I have often wondered if others felt like that, or if it was just me. My depression was tattooed all over me. I didn't realize until tonight just how much I had let the inside destroy the outside. It started small, and sort of snowballed, until I was shapped like one.

Now, first of all, I was never a girlie girl, but a tomboy through and through. When puberty kicked in, I was mortified. I shunned all things feminine. I did experiment once with makeup in middle school, to horrific results that got me teased. I never tried again until I was 17.

My step mother did my eyebrows, bought me makeup, and taught me how to use it. She taught me how to control my crazy hair, and encouraged me when I showed the least bit of interest in anything girlie. It wasn't so bad being a girl after all.

When I had my son, I began to slip. It was tough taking care of a baby let alone myself, especially since I had no idea what I was doing, depending on books because my family was so far away. My husband never seemed to mind when i stopped wearing makeup, wore my hair in a sloppy ponytail or if I was going somewhere, with a headband holding the shaggy mess out of my face. I stopped experimenting with coloring my hair. The next few years, there were circumstances that drew me down. Then my daughter, my miracle child, was born. Instead of raising my spirits, I slipped further. I've never been a vain person, mainly because I never thought I had a reason. I fell into a pattern of self neglect. I was lucky to brush my teeth once a day.

A little over a year ago, I really looked at myself, and didn't care for what I saw. The outside definitely reflected the inside.

Now, the inside has started changing, reshaping. With those changes, and without my noticing, the outside began changing. At the end of September, I began actively working on exercise and diet. The weight was coming off. I dyed my hair for the first time in many years, to cover the gray that had sneaked up on me. The weight loss is leaving some fairly disgusting things behind, but I can live with it. I consider the leavings battle scars, from an active war I am winning. I have actually bought a few makeup items, and have even worn it just for the heck of it. Maybe the outside is reflecting the inside again, but it's a good thing this time.

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Anonymous » 6 years ago

Wow. What a moving message. I know you have inspired me with your determination and self awareness. I hope many others that need to be inspired are able to hear your voice..