How Did I Get Here, And Where Is The Next Turn?

Greetings and salutations to all who deem this worthy of your time...

Brought up Aug 28, 2016

Changes

It's been a long time, and to be honest, I am surprised I can still log in here. I got an e mail that the site is changing, and the blog would be gone. It said I could get my past entries in an archive format and I have no idea what that means.

Anyway, it's been a long, hot, tough summer. My husband was unemployed for a time due to health issues, and it was a hard struggle just to keep the power on. My piddling little checks were a Godsend.

I'm paying the price, unfortunately.

My knees never stop hurting, and now I can add muscle spasms in odd places to the mix. The craziest so far are these freaky little cramps I get in my face. I think it has to do with a lot of teeth clinching lately.

But enough bitching.

My husband is now working, the bills are more or less up to date, and I am back to squirreling away every cent I can in hopes of a decent Christmas and a new computer. Maybe a newer car since Micah is making odd noises, and, let's face it, is 13 years old.

My grandson has entered the terrible twos, and making the most of it. He screams when he doesn't get what he wants, and throws things at me regularly. On the upside, he is getting clearer in his speech, which might not be a good thing soon. I expect him to copy his dad's 4 letter words any day now.

Except for the knees, work is still good. I love my job, mostly, my boss, always, and most of the people.

I feel like Blanche Dubois... Relying on the kindness of strangahs...

Yet after 3 years, most aren't strangers anymore. Some have become friends I adore. Still, there is the occasional surprise.

Like the fact that they really seem to like me, still.

There are days I feel like doing a Sally Field..."You like me! You really like me!"

The darkness of the summer faded around the edges on some days at work.

Other days, though, I have done nothing but mull around my problems as I work.

I've learned humming gets me focused on the job, and not the crap that swirls around in my head. Sometimes it's the last song I hear on the radio on the drive to work.

Other times I fall back to my old standards.

Here Comes the Sun by the Beatles

A couple of Osmond songs

Rainy Days and Mondays by the Carpenters

Anything to fight back the darkness that still tries to take over.

It sucks to have to fight every day just to feel half sane.

I never thought I'd still be fighting old demons at 53.

But, at least, I am aware that they are old, and that they can be fought back, even if it means a daily battle.

And I know that it isn't really me.

I am not those old ghosts.

I am much more than that.

I am a good, decent person that just happens to have a few quirks.

I have learned to hold my temper in check better. Less screaming, less tears of utter rage.

But it builds.

I take and take... and then I melt down.

Most of the time that can be handled at home, alone, where I can let it out enough to realize it's just a load of garbage to put aside.

But once in a while it bubbles up when I least expect it.

Like at work last week.

Stress is an ugly bugger. It can really cause me to let even the smallest straws build to logs in my head until I have to let it out.

I need to work on not letting it build.

Anyway, the summer has been one monster pile of logs from straws.

Add some sleep deprivation from the knee waking me about every two hours, and it's a nasty pile to sort through.

But, I am.

I fight.

And I long for a day when I wake up with more smile than grimace.

So. That's my summer summed up.

As long as this site lets me, I'll try to write more.

I do have another possible site. a page on FB where I will be sharing this. If they do shut this down on me, I may continue there.

The Attic. You Never Know What You May find... Kind of nice name, huh?

Anyway, that's all for now.

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Wee woman » 2 years ago

All any of us can do is fightback the darkness and face what's ahead